Eyeliners and coffee

Oooh how I want a coffee cup like this :D

It suits me so well lol

Someone's doing some serious reading too.

Upside down even. You know it's serious if the book is upside down hahaha

It's been a very slow and calm day. Thank god for that.
Freya had like the longest nap EVER but I didn't have the heart to wake her up.
I've played a lot of The Division today though while she slept. :) Ooohohohoho....
And tonight I'm hoping to play through the entire game of Resident Evil 5 within 5 hours. We've done it before so we should be able to do it now too. Got infinity ammo on a sniper riffle and a Magnum. Mwahaha... :D

So many things to remember

I must admit, it's actually been real nice to have like a week off of work.

This weekend it was just impossible to work. But it'll be alright now that Frost has a job too.

I'm going back to my regular job august 22. But I'll actually be jumping in as an extra  every other day till then to help Diana out.

Frost starts working around the 20th too so that'll be interesting. 

We've been chillin', having fun and eaten good food pretty much.

We watched Luther (again...fpr the 4th time lol) cause I seriously love Idris Elba as D.C.I Luther :D
also, we met up with my big brother the other day so the cousins could play a little.
And I saw acorns already. And I couldn't help noticing that some of the leaves already turned orange. Man, autumn sure is early huh? lol Nah, it won't be here in another two months probably.

Such cuties :)

It's a Tuesday

Urghh... I just don't want to work tonight. But it's not like I've got a choice. -_-

I've been enjoying myself a little bit though, despite feeling like a bag of shit.

I'm functioning. And that's what's important.

We've got a lot to figure about workwise for August. Not sure how to solve the weekends. We'll both be working weekends and we don't have anyone that can help with Freya in the weekends. I'm always home every other day but every other weekend I'll have to work Saturday or sunday. Just one of those days. 

We'll figure something out. We always do 😊 otherwise I'll just be forced to bring my daughter with me to work.

when down...

This can always pick you up hahaha

Hi there... I'm feeling better.

So Smarty made a fact list or whatevs on her blog, so I figured I could answer that shit too. It's time consuming. Making the day go by faster. I'm like suuuuuuuupersmart.

1. Are you named after anyone? 

I seriously doubt it. My mom wanted me to have a unique name but still a good one, 

and my name ain't that usual in this country.

2. When was the last time you cried?

Yesterday. Like a god damn baby.

3. Do you have kids? 

My snuggle monster The Freyster. Or Freya-Rose which is her real name lol
(Almost 2 years old now)

4. If you were another person, would you be a friend of yourself? 

This is me:

It's a really good question... But yeah I suppose I would. 

I'm a blast to be around lol And my loyalty is everlasting. (unless you cross me big time)

SO yeah. I'd be my friend.

5. Do you use sarcasm a lot? 

Never. Absolutely not.... tsss...

6. Will you ever bungee-jump? 

FUCK.NO.BRO

7. What’s your favorite cereal? 

Oh oh oh. lucky charms (the regular kind, not the chocolate)

Oh and honestly, i loved special K's honey cereals. mmm..

8. What’s the first thing you notice about people? 

The way they look back at me, their posture and energy.

How their eyebrows and mouths cringe. You can tell a lot from watching a person.

9. What is your eye colour?

PissGrey & blue

10. Scary movie or happy endings?

I fucking LOVE scary shit, but I'm also a sucker for happy endings. I HATE sad ones. 

Ever seen 'One Day'? Don't. I was emotionally broken for a week.

11. Favorite smells?

Old spice lol And lavender, and freshly washed clothes.

And deep fried chicken. Mmmmmmmmmmm................. hit chocolate on a col winter day is nice too.

And the smell of freshly baked buns in the cold air. Yep.

12. Summer or winter? 

Winter. Or fall. Yeah. Autumn is amazeballz cause you can wear knitted stuff,

 fluffy and gorgeous things. And drink hot chocolate and shit. And hide under blakets. 
Uh huh, all the colors and stuff the fall is nice.

13. Computer or television? 

Definately computer, it's got it all.

14. What’s the furthest you’ve ever been from home? 

Alabama. Or is it Chicago? Georgia!! No...No....Alabama right?

15. Do you have any special talents? 

I'm told I'm gifted with the art of drawing and painting, I'm insanely flexible, due to my disease. 

I'll break the silence if no one else will <-- 

That's a unique talent lol Hearing someone burp or yelling COTTON CANDY when it's quiet. 

That's me. lol and I'm a great gamer in certain genres.  

16. Where were you born? 

Bet you'd like to know that? haha

17. What are your hobbies? 

Videogames, series, (binge watching lol) Movies, knitting, 

comics, (Mostly Marvel...but a little D.C too) my daughter is a big interest :P

Traveling with beeb (I'm getting there slowly ahah) 

18. Favorite movie? 

The Conjuring (1 &2), Last of the Mohicans, Braveheart, (huge sucker for Marvel Movies too) 

If the Hulk's in it, I'll watch it. haha Oh and Fried Green Tomatoes

19. Do you have any siblings? 

I have 2 siblings,                                    and then one biological older one that I don't recognize as family..

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? 

Uh... little late to think like that for an old chick like me. 

But hey, I wanna be a space cowboy! I'd be Star Lord's best buddy. :D

Wouldn't say no to being a Mutant either. (depending on their power)  

But realistically speaking. I'd like to be free and happy "when I grow up". 

I'd like to be healthy and not need so many drugs to function. That's what I wish for the most.

The ugly truth

So here's the deal. I'm gonna be completely honest in this post...

Here's my ugly truth.

Today is one of the worst days of my life.

I am insanely dopesick. I have nasty opiate withdrawals.
I'm sweating like a god damn pig....the pain is excruciating. It's so hot. I'm twitchy and restless. Soooo tired. My tummy is NOT friendly. Hostile tummy. HOSTILE AS FUCK.

I can barely move.

I haven't had opiates in a few days or so... Imagine a dude doing heroin for years, and then just quitting instantly... that's what I'm going through.

All this cause I'm afraid of being honest with the doctors.

I talked yesterday with a nurse about updating my medicine prescription.
She sounded so rude, made me feel embarrassed for needing painkillers.
'if it says that you should take 2, you can't take 3!!'  She made me feel so stupid and worthless. And I had to lie even cause she made me feel so ashamed and worthless... why do I have to feel shame because I have a difficult disease?! Why do I have to feel like I'm worth less than anyone else because of my disease?

The medical care in Sweden needs to learn more about EDS. They do. Cause I have yet to meat a doctor or nurse that actually know about it. The neurologist knew. But not much. Yet, my dentist knew, when I went there.I  panicked cause I'm honestly afraid of dentists... but he told me, oh you have EDS? Well then we might have to upper the dose like 4 or 5 more times than usual. You don't react to sedatives or painkillers like usual people do right? I can't even begin to explain how good that felt to hear. 

But this nurse I talked to... I can't drop this. I'm very upset...and very sick. And angry.

Now cunt, I would want you to feel what I feel. I would like you to know what it's like when your body don't want to move.

Bitch, I'd love to see you get up in the morning with excruciating pain in the body, and go to work for 26 god damn hours. WITHOUT PAINKILLERS.

So when I have bad weeks, I sometimes need to double the dose...heck, one day I even had to triple it just to manage to FUCKING WALK ⬅ 

Yeah I was high as a fucking kite, but I managed to do my job. And be a good wife and a good mother. All because I could handle the pain. All because I took my medication.


My point is, everyday is different. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't. But no one would understand the pain I'm going though. And this is the first time I'm dopesick. O__o

So here. This is what a person looks like when they're about to give up.
This is what it looks like when you're having withdrawals. I am broken and in hurting. I'm ashamed as fuck too.

But, I did learn something.
I, Mama Jo... am not addicted to opiates. (this is a huge deal)  My mind is clear. But my body needs it. It's a weird conflicted feeling. But it's amazing that I'm not addicted. I can actually handle the withdrawals and pain... this might sound like I'm bragging or being too proud, but I don't think getting "clean" one day will be that hard. I know now that I can handle the withdrawals. As long as Frost is beside me. 

See, one day, I want to have another child. I am prepared for the withdrawals that'll come. I will NEVER eat anything while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

I did the same when I tried to get pregnant with Freya. I ate nothing for my pain during that time. We just had lost and lost of sex (with in my case, actually helped with the pain lol)

And once I found out I was pregnant, I quit smoking. Completely. And that was a huge deal. I was a heavy smoker. Like at least one pack a day. But for my child, I can do anything.

And when Frost and I decide to have another child, I will do the same. I will do anything for my family. I can handle everything.

I'm so damn lucky to have my man. Frost goes to insane lengths to make me feel ok. He hates it when I'm suffering. He takes such good care if Freya when I'm incapable of it.

It's funny what instincts can do to you when you think your child is in danger.

I was laying in bed, and I literally couldn't move my body.  Frost sat beside me and comforted me. I wasn't sad or anything....just being dopesick. And he calls out Freya's name. And she doesn't come not does she respond. He started looking through the entire apartment and couldn't find her. I heard him panic and BAM I flew out if my bed in a split of a second and ran out to find her. (no pain or locked joints) First thing I notice was that the door was locked. Which meant that she had to be in here. Frost never looked at the door....so of course he panicked. :P
And calmly said 'check behind the couch'.

And he said 'Freyster?' and PLUPP. She popped her head out from behind the sofa. Where she's not allowed to be. But we just couldn't get mad at her. It's been a rough day for her too. She's noticed that mommy's sick. She's tried to comfort me and snuggled me and and reached out her hand to help me up. My daughter has such a kind and sweet soul.  I know in my heart that she'll grow up to be a wonderful person.

So, I've managed to see the beauty in my life, during this withdrawal. Despite all this shit. My life is beautiful.

I'm actually forcing myself to go out and play with Freya. Freya is going to have an awesome time. I don't want her to suffer just cause mommy's has a shitty day (weekend)  My pain was so extreme that I had to call in sick from work yesterday and today. That sucks donkey dick. 

I know how hard it is to find people to work there. :(

And I wanna apologize to all of my friends and family too. I haven't responded to all the texts and calls. Sorry.

I've just felt ashamed and shitty.

That nurse... made me feel so... I don't know, I can't find the word for it. But she talked down to me so much. I felt insulted. She couldn't understand that when I have bad days or weeks even, I need even more painkillers than usual. And I told her this and I also said that some days I don't even need anything. Anything below a 5 on the painscale is great. I can handle that perfectly without opiates tbh.  And yet, she sounded so condescending. Like she didn't even wanna understand me.


So, now I'm going to go hug and kiss my man. And smooch my daughter like crazy. And go out to the park. 
I can do this.

For my family, I can do anything <3

I'm trying so hard to be positive. 

I love you Frost. And Freyster, your'e my starshine. I'd die for you.

So I can do this.

I just gotta go shit myself a little first...

Woop woop

For those who don't know, I'm a huge DOOM fan :D

Frost got me the new DOOM for my birthday and it is absolutely awesome! (Best gift ever)
Definitely not for kids though... and I don't play this when The Freyster is awake.

I made a video of it so you guys can see what it's like.

Especially for you sMarty, you just can't go around and wear a DOOM t-shirt and not know this Game. Though you are forgiven, since this game series started way before you were even born haha

Maybe now you'll wanna get an xboxone now (No...wait till next year and get an xbox Scorpio instead) and play games :DI think you'd make a fine gamer.


I'm dragging everyone I know with me into the xbox bayou :P haha

life

As some of you know, I've been working a lot lately. A LOT lot.

I'm doing nightshifts right now. And they can be pretty fucking rough I tell you.. 

Buuut I play CoD black ops III at work now on the laptop, plus last night I played Killer Instinct with Frost through my XboxOne (which was at home mind you) I love how I'll be able to access more and more through my xbox live via the laptop. It's awesome.

This way, it ain't that lonely and scary at work haha

and I'm gradually getting better at PCgaming. It's different from my xbox ways...

So as per usual, I watched the sunrise, had morning coffee and shit and then went home and slept.

Oh oh oh and I finally got to use my new vase. YAY ME.

Plus, I made a cake the other day. That apparently was delicious.

Like, everyone fucking loved it.

See, I can be good at multiple things... gaming, baking, cooking and drawing.

 Horray! Success!

Granny Jo

I must be getting old, cause hair seems to get greyer and greyer haha kidding.

It was purple, now it's grey. Can't quite decide. I'm diggin' the whole grey thang tho...  yep.

Looks like I need to do an update I the blog. I'll do it later.tonight. 'kay?

Got some gaming to do but after that, I'll get right on it.

So, as you can see. I aint dead :D

So what to choose... purple or stay grey?

Anywa, I gotta go get pokemons. haha Got my eyeliner perfectly fucking done. hah.

Now, you'll have to excuse this picture... I took it just now, and I'm a little high  (a lot of high) at the moment. haha My eyes look hilarious. It's ok though. Sometime's I'm more sensitive to my meds than other times.

Good morning all friends & foes

It looks like it'll be a wonderful day today. And the best part of it is that my shift is almost over. I took a pic of the sunrise too, cause it looked so nice.

I also caught my first pokemon ;D haha

Aaaaand I'm still learning in CoD Black Ops III on PC. (tbh, the other team sucked so it wasn't really me that was doing well lol) Can't help but being honest.

I've also been knitting quite a bit :)


And I've also come to the  conclusion that I look abso-fucking-lutely fabulous in eyeliner. I'm wearing it all the time. And now I can finally say 'Why not?' to those who wonder why I wear it. :D

"why smear stuff on those big beautiful eyes bla bla"....
See.... right here, right down below here: That's why.

Going to work music

Sup guys?

I figured I'd share my "Going to work music" :D

See, I've got a pair of amazing headphones, and I'm so happy these days that I can listen to fucking awesome music <3 Music is a huge deal in this family. :)


So here's some of the songs I listen to on a daily basis. It's just a really fucking cool feeling, listening to great music with great sound. Right? 

 And then there's this one, when I need to stop being so sleepy lol
Stupid stuff like this will usually wake me up. haha

 


Welp, I've got the graveyard shift tonight. And yet, tonight is gonna be a way better nightshift than any other shift, and from now on too. I'm gonna rick the shit out of these shifts! Woop woop!



Alright, gotta continue watching Stranger Things now. I'm loving it so far, classic, retro and very authentic looking. Seriously, everything is like it used to be in the 80's. I'm an 80's kid so I can proudly say that no one I knew wore those Bobby Brooks jeans. (Butt ugly lol)
But I tend to love shows that really spend time and effort on making it look legit, authentic or correct with the timeline so to speak :D Like Freaks & Geeks, That 70's show,Outlander, The Americans, Fargo, True Detective (first season) etc..

The 12th of july

26 years ago, a very important person was born. My sister, and Freya's aunt.

She can be difficult to handle sometimes, but the love is real. And forever lasting from our side. Despite any hardships.

I chose this picture to put I my blog cause this is obviously the cutest picture I have I my phone.

I just litterally got in bed now, it's 09:54.
And now I'll sleep.

Gah...I forgot how hard it is to work nightshift lol

Meep

Yesterday, Nathalie stayed the night, and she had a rough night too lol

So it's only fair I give my friends the best iced coffee I have :)

I made ice caramel coffee for Frost and Nathalie :)

It looked good. Made me want it too haha

It's been rough day today. Very rough.

Luckily there's a few around me to spill my guts out to.

My man is definitely one of the best in the world.

Freya probably noticed that I wasn't feeling awesome too, and that in turn showed on her behaviour too. My sweet little doodle. She passed out when we went grocery shopping :3

Yep, she's my angel alright <3

Saturday stuff

It's been quite a day. :)
Me & Freya rode my bicycle to meet up with Nathalie so we could fika. Freya loved sitting in her little baby-bike-chair :D She loves riding the bike,  which makes me happy. My little doodle...

While at the coffee shop, the manager gave us the biggest piece of a banana cake I've ever seen. Way too big. Way too sweet. So we all asked for some whipped cream to put next to it to break off that sweetness ya know?

At this time Frost was in a meeting with one of his employers. Exciting exciting.

Not only that, but another great job opportunity came up for him today too. Yay! We're gonna go have dinner with his family so they can discuss work and stuff. Since Frost would only work hours here and there every other day give or take. As long as it won't interfere with his other job.

Anyway... a dinner sounds great. That way we don't need to be the middle hand in anything. Well I'm not gonna mention names cause.... lol it's fun to make people think.

But this could be fun either way. A dinner! I'm happy someone thought of Frost as the reliable hardworking guy he is. Either way, we'll definitely have a good time. We can even bring Freya!

Anyway...back to topic. We've had fun today. Frost came home from his dinner with his new employer, and I told him the bees about potential extra work.

Ah oh and that banana cake made me sooooo sick. I felt like dying.

I tried making a little video about our fika... not sure if it'll work, but oh well.

Nathalie is staying the night. :)  We ended up staying up so late playing video games that we got all exhausted and shit...in the end she was just too tired to get up hahahHah

Flowers, flowers everywhere

We picked a huge bouquet of flowers today :)
Just regular summer flowers, but they're really pretty.

I even put one (a tiny one) in Freya's room.

We've been busy these past two days. We (I lol) decided to switch rooms. Said and done.

hahaha she just wanted to be in the photo <3

Oh right, she sat with us when we picked flowers too, and I got the cutest pics of her.
I'm superproud.

this here is my favorite one :)

wednesday

Me and Frost had our breakfast coffee out in the backyard :D

Iced coffee is the best a hot summer day <3

I refused to wash my hair so I figured I could hide it with a bandana hahaha
Smashing.

Before the Go picture :D

Beep beep!