Nostaliga

haha this used to be Nathalies ringtone like fucking 10 years ago or something haha
A different lifetime.
I still know how to appreciate korean music though ^_^




So listen to this pretty lady and dance with Dio. (Use his cone as a mic)

The funny part is that 10 years ago kids used to say I looked like G dragon from Big Bang.
I even had a 14 year old girl ask me out. (there's actually been more girls asking me to be their boyfriend online back in the day so I suppose I can see why mom said I looked like a dyke then huh?)
Just ask Marty about all the little girls acting weird and shit. -_-

Well my fav was always T.O.P anyway. hah.

( I happen to know a woman who likes this photo of me very much hahaha)

I was a teacher at one point there too. . . . . . 12 year old girls can be awkward as fuck.
Was I ever that awkward? Nah. I'm fantastic baby.

some sunshine

Today the clock started ringing at 6:00. Highly unusual in our household lol

We usually go up between 7 and 8am haha

But we went to the eyeclinic this morning. Had to be there 07:50. (bleh...Zzzzz....) Frost's pupils are like SO dilated ahahaha He doesn't need glasses or anything. We'll just ignore the other eye lmao
Anyway...

Freya is at daycare at the moment. I hope she's having fun. I miss her..., but at the same time, it's good for her to be there. 

We're about to hit the sack and snooze a bit.... we didn't sleep at all last night. We just laid and snuggled aaaaaall night. I laid with my head on his chest snoozing, snuggling... and then he laid on my chest snoozing, and I pat his head hahaha I think we were very very tired. Yet we just couldn't fall asleep. It was impossible. Quite annoying really...I mean, when you're so sleepy but you won't fall asleep. We just laid there in a constant half asleep state. (And Freya slept all night so we coulv'e enjoyed iiiiiiit)  

Though, those snuggles were amazing <3 haha

Freya finished the evening with Daniel Tiger. She kept crying "Tigey tigey" so of course mommy will let you watch that before brushing the teeth and the bedtime story and all that jazz.
She wanted it so bad, so why not. They were learning about "instead of being angry, try using your words instead".
I've noticed that that show is actually very educational for kids her age. She watches it in english and understands it perfectly.
And she watches it in swedish when she's at grannys house.

Here's her snugglefort that I made for her.

Oh oh oh! She slept ALL night in her room last night!

That's pretty fucking awesome. I mean, she always comes in to us every night normally.

We went for her yearly check up yesterday and she got complimented by the nurse haha

Cause she's so polite and extremely compassionate and helpful.

Helps me carry stuff and bags from the store, hold lei lei's leash... 

(Obviously she can still be my little monster ahaha)

But the nurse was impressed.

And apparently it's rare for a 2 1/2 year old to be able to count to 3... so good on you Freyster.

Well, she's in a phase where she likes to sleep with us all night...

And she should do it too is what the nurse said. So that's good news :D

Cause she always wakes up at 2am and comes and crawls up on my side.

And we just love the snuggles haha

Anywaaaaay...

Her English and Swedish are progressing just fine. 

She understands perfectly even my long sentences in both languages.

Her motorskills are amazing. (yay) and she's a tall little doodle. 94cm. <3

Well, we started a new story last night. From the John Bauer book.

(but Elsa Beskov is a big favorite in our household)

(picture from runeberg)

pic from Lurans blog

I sure do love reading her bedtime stories. <3

snow snow and more snow!

The other day it started snowing like crazy. So I pulled Freya on her sled to daycare. She really liked that haha My little sweetie. She got so excited over the snow.

I ain't gonna lie...but so was I :D

And after that, me and mom went on some adventures. 

And eventually had lunch together too.

That was nice :3

My good mood has come back finally.

The lunch was delicious btw :D

Yum yum....

Oh right, so I'm on new meds for my EDS.... and I'm not sure how it works yet.

I mean, I know how it works.... but it hasn't showed any improvements in me yet anyway. -_-

But then again, patience is a virtue.

It's a big change for me to do this... so we'll see.

it's actually huge...and I was kinda reluctant at first.

Yeah I was weary but both mom and Frost eventually thought it was for the best so...

I gave it a shot.

It's so strange. I used to do this for my patients all the time back in the day...

(though they were dying or something...............)

I never thought I'd be having that too.... at this age.

Frost helps me every wednesday with this from now on.

And this being such an insanely strong painkiller....

my knees are still fucking painfull as hell :/ 

But hey.... it might just take some time?

frost says to be patient..... so I'll try lol

Like I said before.... it's a fucking virtue!

The weekend

Man, I really gotta get better and come up with cooler headlines for my posts. Like...

"a gerbils life, some snow and snuggles"

Yeah... now that's a headline.

Anyhooo... We went to town this weekend, and Freya walked. (yep, we ditched the stroller... actually, we don't use the stroller much anymore at all) Freya is such a big girl these days :) We took the bus there, but we walked all the way home. She's quite the walker ;) lmao

She holds leileis leach these days too, so we're working on responsibility. A little soon for it, but really... how soon is "too soon"?

Well, back to town. We were buying leileis dogfood so Freya got to see all the animals they have in the little petshop. The fish was pretty interesting, but when she saw the bunnies.... yeah. That's all she said after that. "Bunny... bunny". hahaha I thought the gerbils were pretty cute. :3

It's been snowing lately too. Finally, back to normal sweden. The snowy kind. haha

I think we've had a good weekend. There's been lots of snuggles here. And you know me, I fucking love me some snuggles haha

Frost and I spoon each other every night. The key to a good relationship, plus it's just so damn cozy lol And at some point during the night, the little gremlin comes into our room and crawls into bed and squeezes herself riiiight in between us haha So it's like a big bundle of snuggles.


And that's my love advice to everyone to. Yep. (Though I'm not a love guru haha But I am a person who's very much in love and I feel the love from my man too, He makes me feel so loved
)
But in all seriousness, that was the advice I gave my friend when she was considering breaking up with her boyfriend. She asked me for my advice. So I asked her if they snuggle... she said that they never do. So I told her to start snuggling, like take a nap everyday too. Just for 15 minutes or something. And snuggle the shit out of each other. And try not to have sex. haha Cause the point is to be intimate and snuggle. It feel soooo good though, right? Just skin against skin. Hugs and squeezes. aaaaw <3
It actually releases a lot of oxytocin.. and therapists claim that it just makes people "feel good".
And it also reduces stress and blood pressure.


Here, read this: Snuggles!



Well time to go!

Pew pew!

Preacher night

It's a work day today. A 26h shift. it sucks to be away from Freyster and Frost, but they seem to be having a good day. They're watching "Frozen" for the 111th time. :) I miss them though.

And I on the other hand will watch the remaining season of Preacher.
FUCK YEAH.

Man, going on the bus to work... that's like my "me time" ya know?

I get to listen to my music and have the volume up real fuckin' high too.

I can sit however the fuck I want as well, since Lei lei's laying right between my legs.

No one usually dare to sit with me when she's there for some reason. (I know the reason)

I also give off very clear signals of "Leave me the fuck alone".

Yet there's always that someone, the idiot that can't read body language and tries soooo hard to make eyecontact and tries to talk to me.

Even though I'm so clearly letting them know that I want to be left alone.

Now, when one strikes up a conversation with me...and is polite about it too.

I simply can't be a dick and tell them to fuck off. Something inside of me tells me that I should be polite back and be nice. I think it's called a consciousness or common sense. But whatever.

Point is, I cherish those alone moments a lot.

I should show you what I look like sometime.

something like this:

This is the hoodie I wear today, and I hide my face in it..

AND sunglasses... AND a cap today too. -_-

It's an obvious posture of "GTFO of my way"

And then when people start chatting with me I'm all like...

...huh?

What am I missing?

What is causing this?

I'm known to attract a lot of weirdos and people with mental issues...a lot of people that needs

 comfort too. Yet, I only give comfort to those I care about.

Buy still, weirdos flock around me.

My own hubby told me I was the second weirdest person in the world that he'd met.

I ain't gonna mention the number 1, but I am not feeling flattered lol

Let's not forget about the person that stopped me by the stoplights and said I had healing powers in my hands and that I can heal them! That's one of the stranger ones.

I have good encounters too of course. Like the one who said I gave off a very nice fun vibe of energy and that I should keep it up. See, that's nicer. And less crazy.

More nice, less crazy please.

Anyway... I brushed this man off pretty fast this morning.

As soon as he finished his line I plugged in my earplugs and played

ZZ TOP Give me all your lovin' hahaha

I could see the man reaching out and trying to get eye contact yet I was all like

"Oh my, look at that stain right there...I shall stare at this spot on the window for  the entire ride since it's oh so very intriguing" 

I can totally see why people think I'm weird though. Yep.

The ugly truth

So here's the deal. I'm gonna be completely honest in this post...

Here's my ugly truth.

Today is one of the worst days of my life.

I am insanely dopesick. I have nasty opiate withdrawals.
I'm sweating like a god damn pig....the pain is excruciating. It's so hot. I'm twitchy and restless. Soooo tired. My tummy is NOT friendly. Hostile tummy. HOSTILE AS FUCK.

I can barely move.

I haven't had opiates in a few days or so... Imagine a dude doing heroin for years, and then just quitting instantly... that's what I'm going through.

All this cause I'm afraid of being honest with the doctors.

I talked yesterday with a nurse about updating my medicine prescription.
She sounded so rude, made me feel embarrassed for needing painkillers.
'if it says that you should take 2, you can't take 3!!'  She made me feel so stupid and worthless. And I had to lie even cause she made me feel so ashamed and worthless... why do I have to feel shame because I have a difficult disease?! Why do I have to feel like I'm worth less than anyone else because of my disease?

The medical care in Sweden needs to learn more about EDS. They do. Cause I have yet to meat a doctor or nurse that actually know about it. The neurologist knew. But not much. Yet, my dentist knew, when I went there.I  panicked cause I'm honestly afraid of dentists... but he told me, oh you have EDS? Well then we might have to upper the dose like 4 or 5 more times than usual. You don't react to sedatives or painkillers like usual people do right? I can't even begin to explain how good that felt to hear. 

But this nurse I talked to... I can't drop this. I'm very upset...and very sick. And angry.

Now cunt, I would want you to feel what I feel. I would like you to know what it's like when your body don't want to move.

Bitch, I'd love to see you get up in the morning with excruciating pain in the body, and go to work for 26 god damn hours. WITHOUT PAINKILLERS.

So when I have bad weeks, I sometimes need to double the dose...heck, one day I even had to triple it just to manage to FUCKING WALK ⬅ 

Yeah I was high as a fucking kite, but I managed to do my job. And be a good wife and a good mother. All because I could handle the pain. All because I took my medication.


My point is, everyday is different. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't. But no one would understand the pain I'm going though. And this is the first time I'm dopesick. O__o

So here. This is what a person looks like when they're about to give up.
This is what it looks like when you're having withdrawals. I am broken and in hurting. I'm ashamed as fuck too.

But, I did learn something.
I, Mama Jo... am not addicted to opiates. (this is a huge deal)  My mind is clear. But my body needs it. It's a weird conflicted feeling. But it's amazing that I'm not addicted. I can actually handle the withdrawals and pain... this might sound like I'm bragging or being too proud, but I don't think getting "clean" one day will be that hard. I know now that I can handle the withdrawals. As long as Frost is beside me. 

See, one day, I want to have another child. I am prepared for the withdrawals that'll come. I will NEVER eat anything while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

I did the same when I tried to get pregnant with Freya. I ate nothing for my pain during that time. We just had lost and lost of sex (with in my case, actually helped with the pain lol)

And once I found out I was pregnant, I quit smoking. Completely. And that was a huge deal. I was a heavy smoker. Like at least one pack a day. But for my child, I can do anything.

And when Frost and I decide to have another child, I will do the same. I will do anything for my family. I can handle everything.

I'm so damn lucky to have my man. Frost goes to insane lengths to make me feel ok. He hates it when I'm suffering. He takes such good care if Freya when I'm incapable of it.

It's funny what instincts can do to you when you think your child is in danger.

I was laying in bed, and I literally couldn't move my body.  Frost sat beside me and comforted me. I wasn't sad or anything....just being dopesick. And he calls out Freya's name. And she doesn't come not does she respond. He started looking through the entire apartment and couldn't find her. I heard him panic and BAM I flew out if my bed in a split of a second and ran out to find her. (no pain or locked joints) First thing I notice was that the door was locked. Which meant that she had to be in here. Frost never looked at the door....so of course he panicked. :P
And calmly said 'check behind the couch'.

And he said 'Freyster?' and PLUPP. She popped her head out from behind the sofa. Where she's not allowed to be. But we just couldn't get mad at her. It's been a rough day for her too. She's noticed that mommy's sick. She's tried to comfort me and snuggled me and and reached out her hand to help me up. My daughter has such a kind and sweet soul.  I know in my heart that she'll grow up to be a wonderful person.

So, I've managed to see the beauty in my life, during this withdrawal. Despite all this shit. My life is beautiful.

I'm actually forcing myself to go out and play with Freya. Freya is going to have an awesome time. I don't want her to suffer just cause mommy's has a shitty day (weekend)  My pain was so extreme that I had to call in sick from work yesterday and today. That sucks donkey dick. 

I know how hard it is to find people to work there. :(

And I wanna apologize to all of my friends and family too. I haven't responded to all the texts and calls. Sorry.

I've just felt ashamed and shitty.

That nurse... made me feel so... I don't know, I can't find the word for it. But she talked down to me so much. I felt insulted. She couldn't understand that when I have bad days or weeks even, I need even more painkillers than usual. And I told her this and I also said that some days I don't even need anything. Anything below a 5 on the painscale is great. I can handle that perfectly without opiates tbh.  And yet, she sounded so condescending. Like she didn't even wanna understand me.


So, now I'm going to go hug and kiss my man. And smooch my daughter like crazy. And go out to the park. 
I can do this.

For my family, I can do anything <3

I'm trying so hard to be positive. 

I love you Frost. And Freyster, your'e my starshine. I'd die for you.

So I can do this.

I just gotta go shit myself a little first...

X-Men!

''

We went to the movies last night, and Freya stayed with mom and Lasse. :)

Aaaand we watched the premiere of The new X-men movie :D

And afterward I walked the dogs with Josse. In the end, we stayed out for over an hour. Haha 😂

And it is done!

And I fucking love it! Woho!

Fucking Fabulous! 😄

Yesterday and a wee bit of EDS complaining.

Oh I totally forgot to tell you about yesterday!
And the movie too. And some crap about my life.

First of all, mom drove me to the doctor and we pretty much forced him to see me.
We changed my medication, so now it's like full-time opiates going on here. Though the dose is bullshit. I promised to try it so I will. But I know it's not working that well cause it's such a fucking low dose. But this is sweden........ they don't care about someone's suffering nope.

But I also got something similar to valium to help chill the fuck out at night time.
See, we've discovered that since I can't relax during the night, I get even more tense, and with that I cramp up more and more without actually really noticing it.. and then I clench my jaw. Which results in my teeth cracking in the end (I mean, I've lost pieces of my teeth these past few weeks) So, hopefully this'll help me relax better.

I told him that I can't take sleeping pills since I need to be able to hear if Freya is crying. I won't risk that by taking sleeping pills and "hope" that I'll hear her. So these will hopefully work instead.
Though 15mg is quite the low dose on someone like me. The doc insisted that it's a very high does and that he won't prescribe anything higher than that but that just shows how little he knows about EDS.

It's like my dentist said: People with EDS are quite resistant to anesthetics & painkillers... therefor a higher dosage is always necessary. Which is also why the painkillers are stupid. I need a higher dose or something else. Though this is probably the best kind of painkillers you can get, but like I said. I need a higher dose.

Today is a pretty fucking shitty day physically for me. I mean, I'm happy and all.. but today I can't really walk. my knees have swollen up insanely much over the night. They've been hurting this past week, so I figured something like this would happen eventually. But this is insane.

Frost had to help me get my pants on cause I can't bend the legs that way right now. I just couldn't dress myself. I tried but it didn't work. It hurt too much :(

Thank heavens for having Frost in my life. He's my snuggletree that I can hold on to when it's to stormy.

Moving on though, back to yesterday........... we went to see Dead Pool!

My god, it was hilarious! We laughed so much! (it was extra nice cause I love hearing Frost laughter, so I really had a nice evening) Ryan Reynolds really was fucking perfect for the role. I love how they made fun of X-Men and Wolverine (The movie) Plus he's just genuinely funny that guy. And then we finished it off with a nice chipotle salad, and snuggles.

Picked up a superhappy Freyster from mom's house :) She seemed like she had an awesome time there haha


Well, I'm just gonna knit a bit now and continue to be miserable and wait till at least 9 hours have passed by so I can take another painkiller. Yeah, they're time released and completely worthless cause of the low dose. See, I got 10mg. Which made me think that it would be literally 10 mg that would be released into my body every second hour or so. BUT NOOO... turns out the entire pill was 10g. Which means that it's basically like not even 1mg being released in my body every two hours. Wow. Cool huh? I don't think anyone would feel that.

Urgh.. I'm stuck in the couch cause I can't move without help. And here's the best part... I can't go to the bathroom HAHA!


But, even so... I am happy. I really am. Cause everyone is so caring and sweet and helpfull. Especially Frost. PLus, Freya is super snuggly today! YAY!

Le me today

Heh~ I took a selfie!

I know, its ridiculously rare for me to do that.

But I figured, hey... That's me. I'm the owner of this amazing and splendid blog. *super serious face* I should show myself every once in a while.
And right now I'm about to take a nap at work. Yep... The nap is the best part of work.

I was wondering if there's something I should write more about on the blog?

I mean, I've been told that just me writing random shit like always is fun. But I've also been told that selfies, writing facts about me and writing about series and video games is super fun too apparently.

Is that true? Should I write more about that stuff then? More about video games too? Cause I soooo don't mind that haha (gets to play even more teheee~)

Du och jag gullefjun

This weasel is amazing haha She ate a whole mandarin earlier. Nom nom nom..


She and I are listening to Bush at the moment... glycerin to be exact. Yup.

Aaaand now the song changed to 'letting the cables sleep'.

And I have to change phone case now... Cause I honestly FUCKING HATE this phone case. ¬_¬ It's driving me nuts.

I also seem to have something wrong with my eyes. I mean something more than I have cause of the meningitis. They're super swollen today, and tears keep falling. And they're burning.......... Fuck this shit.

Selfie

This don't happen that often but HEY! LOOK AT ME!

I HAZ NEW GLASSES! They're fabulous aren't they? ^_~

Yeah I wanted me a pair of 60's cateye sunglasses so I got them. Gotta love china.

I like them. They're fun :D
Oh you Sharp looking you. ^.^ lol

haircut

So, I cut my hair.
I don't do well on photos anymore, so bear with me a little now ok?

But anyway, Freya found it hard to accept at first lol
There's no more hair to pull and rip...and she enjoys that so much. I don't, which is why I made it short.
Ah keep in mind that the photo down there was taken AFTER the rain fucked up the hair. haha

But I like it :D I really do.

It was a mess before though.
I cut my hair TWICE that day. First at a salon that my said 'seemed fine'.
I left with a syrian housewife hairstyle. From the 90's.
Ya know, when they were a little tooooo inspired by Jennifer Anistions hairdo. But mine was more straight cut even though I wanted it stripy. She kinda gave me a Jennifer Aniston bobcut. lol

And then she wanted to cut those chop chop bangs on me too.

And what I wanted was: Kaley Couco when she first cut her hair off.

Needless to say, I was furious and heartbroken.
I looked like an idiot.

But then we went around the corner on 'vasatorget' and they have a new salon there. Hårverket. The hairdresser I got was amazing. She HEARD me.

And she gave me what I wanted :)

Last night?

Naaah.....?
But it MIGHT be the last night I'm pregnant.
The last night little babypuff is inside of me, kicking and punching.

As difficult as this pregnancy has been....I'm actually gonna miss this. I'll miss the tummy. Her bumps and hiccups.
But then again, I won't miss the handicapped me. The bloated and swollen me...pain and immobility ain't something I'll miss at all :D haha

The belly might look small in the photo, cause I took it from above. But trust me... It's m***erfucking HUGE.

Although she's sunk down a lot now so ah least I can lean forward without completely breaking haha

Moms picking us up early tomorrow. And then we're off to the hospital. :D Iiiiiih!

Ooooh I want snuggletree's snuggles right now.