Someone turned 4 last week

♥ Woooooh! Freyster ♥

 

 

  

She had the best birthday ever ♥ (her own words)

I'm so happy that Freyster has such an amazing birthday and that so many people came to celebrate her ♥

 Oh and she loved all her presents. Seriously, they were epic :D

I worked so hard with the cakes haha Freya wanted pink & blue cakes, so I tried my best to make that happen. And turns out, they were delicious. Yay me~

Midsummer

Midsummer came and went.💗

Freya had a blast, and that's all that matters to me~

My brother dropped me and Frost off in Askersund, and then mom, Josse & Freya picked us up and we went to Åmmebergs midsummer celebrations (I don't really like that you have to pay entrance fee these days but oh well) It is an important place from my childhood after all haha

Freya was very excited.
She got to ride a pony, play in the jumping castle, look at the giant maypole, nibble on cotton candy (even though she preferred the ones in the bag that were pink and blue instead of the white fluff on a stick haha)
We got some candy rocks and nougats (that I couldn't eat cause they were way too sweet)
 and I bought a long sour candy strap for Josse too. haha I really liked being with Josefin. I want to go to Åmmebergs midsummer celebrations more times with her and the others again.
I bet Freya has had an awesome weekend now. She absolutely fucking loves being there with granny, Lasse & Josse (and Doris too haha)

The dinner was delicious, and the cake was brilliant. My sister made a meringue cake, with lots of whipped cream on it. And as a filling it had crushed raspberry pie (yep, a PIE!) and vanilla custard too. I gotta say, with the smooth whipped cream and meringue that melts in your mouth, it was kinda neat to feel some sweet crunchy pie crust and raspberries on the tongue too. Mmm..... such a mouthtastic experience lol 💛

Oh I also made a flower garland for Freya to wear as a midsummer crown ;D She was so beautiful. My sweet little snuggle monster. 💚💚💚 I kinda feel like I made an epic garland really lol
Freya is too cute though. I should've made garlands for everyone to wear too...

On saturday morning, Irena came to Zinkgruvan and picked me and Frost up. We had a nice drive back to town together too :)
And the plan was to party a bit with the Larssons in the evening. But since Nathalie's midsummer party with her family kinda went to the pooper too, we decided to just change the plans.

We had an awesome time yesterday really~
And we discovered that I make deeeelicious Mojitos. Seriously.

They tasted better than they did at the bar. 🍹  We drank, played Mario Kart, laughed and just had a good time. It was good for the soul. Yep. We needed it.
 Frost was more impressed over how entertained we can be with such small effort haha

Anyway.... Good times has been had.
My mother really gave Freya the best weekend 💜

It's been a nice weekend.

Outside stuff and junk

It looks like Frost will be Inna sickleave for a while.

 Due to his occupation, they're worried about not knowing what caused the seizure so they wanted him to be on a sickleave for a while. 

I think it'll be good for him too to just stay at home and recuperate. ❤️

Tomorrow is Friday, and Freyster will go with Mom and Lasse to the summer house. She's gonna have so much fun! I'm so excited for her. She'll play in her little pool, play with her toys in the grass and take naps in the hammock. Eat tasty breakfast and dinners and stuff, walking in the woods... Did I mention my mom's cooking is awesome? Yeah she'll have a hoot with them as usual. They sure do spoil their beloved grandchild. Haha 

But coming from a person who was never really loved not felt the warmth from her Grandparents....it truly makes me happy knowing my daughter gets ALL of it from hers. 

I'm glad that Freya is going to have a real good time. It makes me so happy ❤️  I hope the weather is good this weekend so she can play as much as possible outside. Who knows, if the sun has warmed up the small lake by their house then maybe she can even go take a dip with them? 

Obviously she'll have floating stuff in her and they'll hold her. Cause there's no "beach". Just a small pier and rocks and deep water. But it's so beautiful.

It's ridiculous how much we miss her as soon as she's gone.

She's so fucking sweet and kind, but also stubborn and obstinate haha 😂 She can be a real adorable  monster. So I ain't saying that it'll be bad to get some good sleep. Just resting and shit. I'll enjoy it to the fullest, but I always miss her cuddles and kisses. Just seeing her face can immediately cheer me up.

But this is a weekend we sooooooo need lol some peace and quiet, and rest. Damn it sounds wonderful.

A lovelier monday

Vila i frid

Well I don't really know what to say.... So I'll just write what comes to mind. 

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now.. . But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even mention her name since she died.  

Lei Lei 

She's dead...... She's really gone. And it's like it's not even real,  I keep waiting for her to walk in here any moment now. 

This is just a bunch of words written down...you can't see the emotions, feel the overwhelming sadness. 

I'm heartbroken... I cried my fucking eyes out for several days. I don't really care if anyone thinks it's lame for crying so hard over a pet. But you gotta understand that she wasn't just a pet. She was never just a pet. 

She was much much more than that...she was a family member. My child and best friend. So yeah, it's natural to grieve. I just didn't think I'd be this heartbroken. I thought it'd help me to know that she was really sick... But it doesn't make me feel any better at all. It kinda makes me feel worse in a way. My sweet little baby... 

And thus, our little family got a bit smaller. It feels really fucking empty without her. I forgot what it was like to not have a dog. She was such a huge part of me, and now it feels like I'm really lonely and empty. I know I'm not alone. I know that... But I feel lonely.

Everything is different now. It feels like a part of me is gone. 

No one is snoring loudly in the hallway...
No one is growling in the night when someone is walking too close to our door. 

No one is growling and whining at the mailman... 

No one is standing by the door happily waiting for me when I get home. 

And there's no pitter patter on the floors from her claws... 

Man, it's empty and sad around here now. 

Did you know that she smiled? She was a smiling dog. And you knew that it was a smile when you saw it...   I should've hugged her more. I should've.

I don't care that she shit herself, I don't care about her constant farting or all the fur everywhere... None of that matters. 

I'd clean up shit for the rest of my life if it meant more time with her. I'd walk with my clothes covered in doghair if I could just have her here again. 

But she was embarrassed of shitting inside. I know she was...poor baby. 

Frost took this really hard as well. 

Haven't seen him shed tears like this before. He's still sad. Just like me... But he's been so supportive and warm. I needed that. He's just been comforting me everyday now. 

And Freya... She's having a hard time coping with this. It's hard for her to understand. She asks everyday where lei lei has gone. Why did lei lei leave... And she looks for her everywhere. Of course it's strange for a child that's been with a dog since the day she was born, and suddenly that dog is gone. Nowhere to be found. It's like loosing a sibling in her case. 

It's hard for her to understand. And it makes me sad everytime she says 'lei lei gone'. 

I still haven't cleaned away her bowls and her rug. It's still there... Fur and all. 

And I miss her. Really really much. God fucking damn it I miss her... 

But I was surprised over how many people who gave their condolences. I had forgotten just how many people lei lei actually met. My old coworkers called, old friends and acquaintances, relatives and people I barely know. I thought it was sweet... Many people cried over her. And that warmed my heart a little too. 

I suppose I knew this day would come eventually. She was sick for 7 years. It was inevitable... 

But I just wanted her to be happy and healthy. In the end she was so sick that it was hard for them to even put her down. She was so sick. And it hurts to think about it. 

I miss my doodle... She was mine. And she supported me through everything and loved me unconditionally. No matter how bitchy, moody or boring I was. She loved me. 

And I love her unconditionally too. 

Before it was time, my sister took beautiful photos of her. She looked so pretty and happy. Unknowing of what awaited. 

But I knew. 

And I cried... I cried and couldn't stop. 

I raised that doodle. Since she was a fat puppy. I raised her...we kinda grew up together. 

Shit, that day is the worst day I've ever had. I've never cried this much before. Nor have I ever missed anyone this much either. 

She laid in my lap... Breathing slower and slower. I was fiddling with her fluffy fudge colored ear... I always loved her fuzzy little ears. Just writing this makes me tear up. 

God, how much I love that furball....

Once het heart stopped it was so fucking hard to keep the tears in. Walking out of the clinic with an empty leash. 

People walking their dogs outside knew.. One look and they knew. And their eyes were full of pity. They know what it's like. 

The man I bought lei lei from paid for it all. He helped me put and said that I fought for lei lei for so long that it was the least he could do. It was nice of him to go with me. 

But I don't think he quite understood how heartbreaking it was. I tried so hard not to show it though...but he probably noticed that I wasn't breathing. That I wasn't looking at him. My glasses hid the most of it... 

It felt like I wasn't able to say good bye properly. Cause I wasn't mentally prepared. It all happened to fast really. It was too soon. I feel like we didn't get enough time together. I didn't get time to prepare. I should've said no. I should've waited... I should've waited. I am so sad. 

So I'm saying it now sweetie. 

Good bye baby. I miss you so much. I wish you could've recovered and stayed with me... God, how I wished for that. I love you. I honestly love you so incredibly much. And I hope you knew that. That's what makes me the saddest... Did you know how loved you were? Did you know how much you meant? I hope you did. I hope you could feel it. I hope you felt me when you died in my arms. 

I have so many regrets. But I don't regret spending all my money on you. I'll never regret that. But I do regret that I didn't have enough money to give you the absolute best in the end... I keep wondering if things would've been different if I was really rich.

Maybe it wouldn't have mattered.... You can't buy time I suppose. 

I hope you're finally at peace. 

You had the purest heart of them all. No one could compare to you Lei lei....and no one ever will. 

You were so wonderful and so loved. We all miss you. I miss you. 

Forever and always. 

I'm crying while writing this. I can't help it. It's like rubbing salt in an open wound. 

Maybe I shouldn't have written this just yet. 

She died on July 26th. She would've been 8 years old in October. 

Jag vet inte riktigt vad mer jag kan skriva... Det gör fortfarande ont. Slutar man någonsin sakna någon? Jag gråter fan aldrig... Men nu kan jag inte sluta. 

Jag är otroligt tacksam för mina fina vänner som stöttat mig genom allt. Respekterat att jag velat va ifred och funnits där när man äntligen pallar gå ut. 

Vem hade trott att jag skulle bli så här förkrossad...

Tack 

snow snow and more snow!

The other day it started snowing like crazy. So I pulled Freya on her sled to daycare. She really liked that haha My little sweetie. She got so excited over the snow.

I ain't gonna lie...but so was I :D

And after that, me and mom went on some adventures. 

And eventually had lunch together too.

That was nice :3

My good mood has come back finally.

The lunch was delicious btw :D

Yum yum....

Oh right, so I'm on new meds for my EDS.... and I'm not sure how it works yet.

I mean, I know how it works.... but it hasn't showed any improvements in me yet anyway. -_-

But then again, patience is a virtue.

It's a big change for me to do this... so we'll see.

it's actually huge...and I was kinda reluctant at first.

Yeah I was weary but both mom and Frost eventually thought it was for the best so...

I gave it a shot.

It's so strange. I used to do this for my patients all the time back in the day...

(though they were dying or something...............)

I never thought I'd be having that too.... at this age.

Frost helps me every wednesday with this from now on.

And this being such an insanely strong painkiller....

my knees are still fucking painfull as hell :/ 

But hey.... it might just take some time?

frost says to be patient..... so I'll try lol

Like I said before.... it's a fucking virtue!

Apple picking

It's been quiet here on the blog for a while now. Sorry about that :3

Ah I have so many Russian readers, and american reader, That's nice. Hi~

So, it's been a busy week.

A few days ago we went to visit my cousin Carro on the countryside and her little baby Ella <3
Soooo cute. Gaah... I felt my ovaries go squueeezeeee when they saw her lol Such a cute baby.
And their house is amazing too. It's a pity she doesn't like apples when they have so many apple trees lol

And here's the thing, and this is taboo to talk about. But as a parent I know this all too well...
There are some ugly babies out there. Naturally a parent will think they're adorable tho<3
But like I said, some babies just ain't pretty. they've gotta grow into it. And it can take some time.
But Ella, wow...she was CUTE. Like supercute <3 Those little eyes and puffy cheeks! I can't wait to see what she'll look like when she's around 2 years old or something :)

 I remember Sofi said the same about Freya when she was a baby. 
Naturally I think she's the most beautiful little thing on the planet. Duh. But I've had people stop me with the stroller and tell me how adorable my child is, and that made me realize that she's not just cute in MY eyes, but others too. Snugglerump. 
So I hope Carro sees that Ella is beyond pretty :) 

But yeah... Ella was very sweet <3 Ca't wait to meet her again.


Anyhooo... the point of the visit wasn't JUST babysnuggles. We also picked apples!
And boy, did Freya have a blast... she had so much fun, just running around playing and eating apples. It was nice to see her so happy and excited. She was also very intrigued by little Ella. haha it was cute to watch. (ya'll should see Ella's hair. It's thicker than mine... :P  *envious* lol)

Made me think of siblings for the Freyster tbh.
We'll probably try to give Freya a sibling next year :)
Things are going so well for us right now. And if things continue on this way then yeah... a baby would fit right in! :D

I made a short video of all the apple picking and running around haha

Happy birthday to my mom!

Så Grattis på födelsedagen mamma. Tack vare dig hade vi en sån rolig och kretiv barndom. Du är precis så som jag vill vara som mamma. Dina sagor och roliga skogsäventyr kommer jag alltid att minnas. Och jag ska göra samma sak med Freya :)
Så grattis igen världens bästa mamma! Må du få många många flera födelsedagar, så Freya kan ge dig sina egna presenter i framtiden också :D

Vi älskar dig!

The Lollipop Family

So I kinda felt that the family needed some Saturday treats. So I bought us lollipops haha two blue raspberry for me and honey. And one watermelon for Freya. The reason I got her one was that she gets to feel like a little grownup when she licks it. She looks so proud. And we share it. So after a few licks she always stretches it up for me to lick on. (And she gets sad if you don't lick it haha) it's so cute!
Plus it's something she'll be occupied with forever lol And also she never wants to actually eat it all which is good. That way she doesn't get much sugar in her system.
And she also happens to look adorable with a lollipop in her moth lol <3 (my hearts goes doki doki!)

Win win.

Her normal treat is dried fruit which she loves! They sell ecological 100% dried fruit bags. So I have dried cranberries, pineapple, mango and blueberries. And raisins of course. But she loves those fired blueberries. :)

I met an old friend at ICA too. Frost said we talked foreeeeever. Which simply ain't true. We may have talked for 20 minutes or so. Maybe. Haha it was a nice chat though :3

Better mood

Yeah, so I'm in a waaaay better mood now. Yup.

Turns out the dentist was well informed about EDS. So he knew that the anesthesia might not work.
Anesthesia is difficult for someone like me. But I told him that as long as he let me have the time to calm down and meditate a little then it'd be fine.

See, the more nervous or tense I am... the less any kind of anesthesia, sedatives or anything like that works on me. It's true.

I once had to go through a procedure (I won't go into the details since it wasn't one of my prouder moments...) but it was kinda brutal. They pumped me up with both sedatives and painkillers (morphine) and I was extreeeeeemely nervous and tense. NOTHING WORKED. In the end I threatened to kick the nurse but I apologized immediately too and said that I might actually kick one of them cause it hurt so much and I couldn't control my reactions. "More sedatives!! MORE SEDATIVES!" the doc yelled. It was kinda funny, kinda looked like in Grey's Anatomy or something lol The sweet nurse pumped me up with more. And more. And more. And more morphine. Till I reached the human limit and they had to stop cause you can only put so much sedatives in a body apparently.

And when they gave up. I relaxed.

And I went batshit crazy. I said awful things, made extremely lame jokes (though I found them to be hysterical at the moment. I mean, If you know what kind of procedure it was you'd laugh hehe) And I laid back and sang children songs.. And apparently I sounded really creepy singing some songs cause the nurse said it reminded them of a haunted hospital movie where a child would haunt people and hum on songs like I did HAHAHA So I was moved to another spot. Locked in hah.


Oh shit... I wrote a lot huh?
Well anyway.. my point was that shit don't work good on me, unless I have valium or if I'm very determined and meditates.

So it went great. :D (I was honestly so panicky before I met the dentist that my tummy started to feel really bad..) But he was great. It felt like such a relief too that he knew about EDS and stuff like that. And he said if I choose to go to him  after this as well then he'd hook me up with some of those blue pills lmao Nah but seriously, he said we'd fix a good way to handle my nervousness. Either some sedatives that I'll eat before going or some other way. Cause the reason I relaxed easily today was cause it was such a small procedure. But if I would have to get a root canal then I'd have to be nearly unconscious for a sedative and anesthesia to work. Seriously...

The reason I'm so scared of dentists is mainly because I've felt the horrible pain of when the anesthesia doesn't work. 6 doses and it still didn't make a difference. And that's stuck inside me now. I can't just stop being terrified of them. But he did ease my mind.

Plus.................. my employers dad told me what it's like to get a root canal. THAT REALLY DIDN'T MAKE THINGS EASIER. Not one bit lol



So, let's move on.

I've had a nice week though. we went to town, since it's hindersmässan the other day.
Freya got her first balloon and she loved it!!

 She also got an organic chocolate lollipop to suck on.

I chose chocolate cause it's soft.

And don't worry, even if she got treaty treats that day,

her favorite treats is still raisins, smoothies and quark haha

Talking about raisins, I never thought I would love to watch someone nibble on something or eating something as much as I do when she does it. She's just too damn cute. And she LOVES the raisins, and she gets really stingy with them too haha Cheapskate. And then all of a sudden she picks on out of her tiny little mini-box and holds her hand to my face. It's for meeee~
Well gosh. Don't that just melt a mom's heart haha

It's been a calm workweek though. One 26H shift, and then a short shift at my other job yesterday.
That's when half the tooth fell out. -__- But! Before that happened I got a late christmas gift from my boss! :D

I was surprised actually, especially when I opened it.
It was an iittala bowl. :D

I guess you could say I'm pretty high right now. I indeed took my fair share of painkillers today.
My body is the least of my problems at the moment ;D