Vila i frid

Well I don't really know what to say.... So I'll just write what comes to mind. 

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now.. . But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even mention her name since she died.  

Lei Lei 

She's dead...... She's really gone. And it's like it's not even real,  I keep waiting for her to walk in here any moment now. 

This is just a bunch of words written down...you can't see the emotions, feel the overwhelming sadness. 

I'm heartbroken... I cried my fucking eyes out for several days. I don't really care if anyone thinks it's lame for crying so hard over a pet. But you gotta understand that she wasn't just a pet. She was never just a pet. 

She was much much more than that...she was a family member. My child and best friend. So yeah, it's natural to grieve. I just didn't think I'd be this heartbroken. I thought it'd help me to know that she was really sick... But it doesn't make me feel any better at all. It kinda makes me feel worse in a way. My sweet little baby... 

And thus, our little family got a bit smaller. It feels really fucking empty without her. I forgot what it was like to not have a dog. She was such a huge part of me, and now it feels like I'm really lonely and empty. I know I'm not alone. I know that... But I feel lonely.

Everything is different now. It feels like a part of me is gone. 

No one is snoring loudly in the hallway...
No one is growling in the night when someone is walking too close to our door. 

No one is growling and whining at the mailman... 

No one is standing by the door happily waiting for me when I get home. 

And there's no pitter patter on the floors from her claws... 

Man, it's empty and sad around here now. 

Did you know that she smiled? She was a smiling dog. And you knew that it was a smile when you saw it...   I should've hugged her more. I should've.

I don't care that she shit herself, I don't care about her constant farting or all the fur everywhere... None of that matters. 

I'd clean up shit for the rest of my life if it meant more time with her. I'd walk with my clothes covered in doghair if I could just have her here again. 

But she was embarrassed of shitting inside. I know she was...poor baby. 

Frost took this really hard as well. 

Haven't seen him shed tears like this before. He's still sad. Just like me... But he's been so supportive and warm. I needed that. He's just been comforting me everyday now. 

And Freya... She's having a hard time coping with this. It's hard for her to understand. She asks everyday where lei lei has gone. Why did lei lei leave... And she looks for her everywhere. Of course it's strange for a child that's been with a dog since the day she was born, and suddenly that dog is gone. Nowhere to be found. It's like loosing a sibling in her case. 

It's hard for her to understand. And it makes me sad everytime she says 'lei lei gone'. 

I still haven't cleaned away her bowls and her rug. It's still there... Fur and all. 

And I miss her. Really really much. God fucking damn it I miss her... 

But I was surprised over how many people who gave their condolences. I had forgotten just how many people lei lei actually met. My old coworkers called, old friends and acquaintances, relatives and people I barely know. I thought it was sweet... Many people cried over her. And that warmed my heart a little too. 

I suppose I knew this day would come eventually. She was sick for 7 years. It was inevitable... 

But I just wanted her to be happy and healthy. In the end she was so sick that it was hard for them to even put her down. She was so sick. And it hurts to think about it. 

I miss my doodle... She was mine. And she supported me through everything and loved me unconditionally. No matter how bitchy, moody or boring I was. She loved me. 

And I love her unconditionally too. 

Before it was time, my sister took beautiful photos of her. She looked so pretty and happy. Unknowing of what awaited. 

But I knew. 

And I cried... I cried and couldn't stop. 

I raised that doodle. Since she was a fat puppy. I raised her...we kinda grew up together. 

Shit, that day is the worst day I've ever had. I've never cried this much before. Nor have I ever missed anyone this much either. 

She laid in my lap... Breathing slower and slower. I was fiddling with her fluffy fudge colored ear... I always loved her fuzzy little ears. Just writing this makes me tear up. 

God, how much I love that furball....

Once het heart stopped it was so fucking hard to keep the tears in. Walking out of the clinic with an empty leash. 

People walking their dogs outside knew.. One look and they knew. And their eyes were full of pity. They know what it's like. 

The man I bought lei lei from paid for it all. He helped me put and said that I fought for lei lei for so long that it was the least he could do. It was nice of him to go with me. 

But I don't think he quite understood how heartbreaking it was. I tried so hard not to show it though...but he probably noticed that I wasn't breathing. That I wasn't looking at him. My glasses hid the most of it... 

It felt like I wasn't able to say good bye properly. Cause I wasn't mentally prepared. It all happened to fast really. It was too soon. I feel like we didn't get enough time together. I didn't get time to prepare. I should've said no. I should've waited... I should've waited. I am so sad. 

So I'm saying it now sweetie. 

Good bye baby. I miss you so much. I wish you could've recovered and stayed with me... God, how I wished for that. I love you. I honestly love you so incredibly much. And I hope you knew that. That's what makes me the saddest... Did you know how loved you were? Did you know how much you meant? I hope you did. I hope you could feel it. I hope you felt me when you died in my arms. 

I have so many regrets. But I don't regret spending all my money on you. I'll never regret that. But I do regret that I didn't have enough money to give you the absolute best in the end... I keep wondering if things would've been different if I was really rich.

Maybe it wouldn't have mattered.... You can't buy time I suppose. 

I hope you're finally at peace. 

You had the purest heart of them all. No one could compare to you Lei lei....and no one ever will. 

You were so wonderful and so loved. We all miss you. I miss you. 

Forever and always. 

I'm crying while writing this. I can't help it. It's like rubbing salt in an open wound. 

Maybe I shouldn't have written this just yet. 

She died on July 26th. She would've been 8 years old in October. 

Jag vet inte riktigt vad mer jag kan skriva... Det gör fortfarande ont. Slutar man någonsin sakna någon? Jag gråter fan aldrig... Men nu kan jag inte sluta. 

Jag är otroligt tacksam för mina fina vänner som stöttat mig genom allt. Respekterat att jag velat va ifred och funnits där när man äntligen pallar gå ut. 

Vem hade trott att jag skulle bli så här förkrossad...

Tack 

Early morning

It's 5am(ish) right now. I've been awake for a few hours. I'm super tired but I just can't seem to relax. 😕 Bummer. Plus Freya woke up around 3 screaming her lungs out. She was in such a panic mode. Poor baby. I have no idea why she was like this but she kept on waking up next to me crying and screaming. At one point she even woke up clawing me.

I finally got her back in her bed though 😊

I've noticed that recently my fatigue has gotten worse. Sometimes I can't even see straight. I see double and blurry and I have no choice but to close my eyes since I probably look cross-eyed when it happens...  some people ask why I get so tired.

Let me tell you, always being "on guard", scared of relaxing too much and stuff... that really drains you. Seriously.  I have to focus hard all time on my tensions and shit,keeping my body going. Staying tense so it won't fall apart. It makes you more tired than you think....

So for people who wonder why I'm so tired all the time.  It ain't cause I'm lazy.

http://www.ehlers-danlos.org/patient-support/management-advice/living-with-ehlers-danlos-syndrome/managing-fatigue-sleeping-problems-and-brain-fog/

My memory is greatly affected by it too.

On the bright side though, I was reminded of how much I wanna move from here. I just killed like 8 FAT fucking silverfishes!! 😨 Nasty fuckers. Gueh...

Aaaah it also looks like I won't be able to keep this phone. I ain't even sure this email will be sent to my blog since my phone says there's no storage left even to send a fucking email 😒 I want an android though.

I know... The issues of the today's world. Phones lol
BUT!! In my defense, I use my phone a lot for editing photos, making nice collages for the blog or stuff, it's nice having Netflix too. And Spotify. But I guess I need to delete though in order to be able to use the phone... It won't let me open Spotify anymore cause it days there ain't enough space for it 😐
But yeah... I like photos. Editing. Writing blog posts. Learning. Listening to music. All of that. I have three apps for my photos. They're brilliant. But I used to have 4, but I had to delete it for more space. I thought it'd work better... but meh...

Anyways... Yeah. Read about EDS there and educate yourself if I'm a person you care about. If I'm not, (And you're just reading my blog cause I'm so amazing) read it anyway just to open your mind. It's a rough disease... it wears you down.

Oh oh oh another bright side of me staying awake though, my body don't hurt as much/not cramping too much since I'm not relaxing my mind nor my body.
When I do manage to relax and rest... The pain I excruciating. So I think my mind unconsciously tries to avoid me resting sometimes. I mean, it knows that me relaxing is extremely painful, so why would it want me to. Can't blame my brain for thinking that way. Nope.

Aaah I'm gonna try to sleep again now.... It's quiet. Maryam picked up Michy yesterday so no more nagging tiny dog (yay!😀) 
But look at how cute they all were together. :)

But I still do hate small dog breeds, Gosh they're too annoying. LeiLei is the best <3

Oh oops... it's closer to 6am now. lol Oh well.

X-Men!

''

We went to the movies last night, and Freya stayed with mom and Lasse. :)

Aaaand we watched the premiere of The new X-men movie :D

And afterward I walked the dogs with Josse. In the end, we stayed out for over an hour. Haha 😂

Good morning sunshines!

The sun definitely ain't shining today... Such a cloudy grey morning. And cold as fuck. (or duck as my phone would say lol)

Luckily I've got a hot cup of coffee to warm me up. :)

This is my favorite part of a workday... waiting on the bus, and riding on the bus... listening to good music, drinking my coffee and just sitting there with LeiLei.

But it's seriously way too cold to be the end of April now. I mean,  it fucking snowed till the middle of the night yesterday. Like wtf? Fuck you April. F.U.

Moving on. Gotta rush now cause the bus is here. Time to go to work.

I've been longing for a nap since yesterday haha can't wait till I can take s nap at work lol But I've got laundry to do so... Blah. *casually takes another sip of the coffee while looking mischievous, and sneakily staring at a random stranger* 

I like to start the day while making someone feel uncomfortable. -_- Right about now, the person (or should I say victim) is starting to feel self-conscious and wondering if I know something about him. Nervously rubbing his mouth in case I'm staring at any left over food that could've gotten stuck on his face. 

There's no food.

There's no reason I'm looking at you while looking like I know your secret.

I don't know your secret.

It's cause I'm sleepy., and my eyes accidentally rested on your face. 

Plus having a resting bitch face syndrome make shit weird no matter if I stare at you unconsciously or not lol  

However if I suddenly smiled now, mister numbnut would probably assume that I wanted something right? *sigh* It's kinda sad that in this day and age you can't give someone a smile without wanting anything. I smiled earlier to a man just to be nice. And he smiled back. :D
And then I said "have a really nice day" to the man who sold me my coffee. :)

I can occasionally be very sweet. Especially to the man who makes me morning coffee lol (you have no idea what kind of power those kinds of people have)

The saturday

It's Saturday, and the last day in October.

Tomorrow's November. :)

And that just happens to be a very special someone's birthday.

I went out on a long walk today with my sister, Freya & the dogs ^_^

It's also Halloween night for us so me and my sweetheart are gonna watch Rosemary's Baby (classic!!) and we also watched the first episode of Ash vs Evil Dead. (and it was sooooo fucking good! I shit you not. It was awesome.)

But unless you've seen the movies, you probably ain't gonna understand shit. Watch the movies, theeeen the series :D

Apparently my nose was glowing red outside haha It was really cold, yet we sat outside and talked for a long time. Freya slept in her warm fuzzy fur bag :) But this photo barely shows how red my nose was. Josse told me that it was super-red...When I came inside it looked like a tomato.

A supernice day

It's such a nice day today :D
Though this seems to be a bit of a sick household at the moment lol
We still took a nice walk and played outside together.

And yesterday we went to dad's place to celebrate daddy and Kutis birthdays.

(the 10th and 19th) It's just easier to combine.

Like me and Frost do every year :D

10th & the 11th of may <3

Freya played quite a bit with her grandad.

Plus he was relatively sober so it was a really nice night :D

Pictures pictures and more pictures

Aaaah... I'm finally home with this doodlepuff. Ad it feels so good :)

Yesterday was a weird day at work. Meh.. let's hope tomorrow is better.
Ah, and my new boss called yesterday (and today too) She seems nice.

And Freya had her first group photo at the kindergarten! :D YaaaaaY!
Such a cutie ♡.♡  She melts my heart, that weasel...

And granny was so kind to take her there. And after that we got to stay and play with granny a while longer. They even had fika at a nice coffee shop around the corner. Freya's very blessed to have such a loving grandmother. I never had a loving one, (the only one who could've loved me died right before I was born so... Yeah)  So I'm really glad my daughter has several loving grandmas ⌒_⌒  She's a lucky doodle. Haha

It always makes me happy to receive photos of FreyFrey when I'm working. It kinda brights up my day then.

Oh, and Frost bought me new Addidas shoes yesterday. Yup. And new long T-shirt. Sweet! ⌒.⌒ Lets see how it feels to walk in those then. Maybe it'll feel better?

Oh and Freya got to okay with Lei Lei a little. She's learning how to pet nicely and such. And LeiLei's such a trooper putting up with it. She got bunches of snuggles from me too ♡ Freya is getting a lot better at being more gentle with her touch. I know it's difficult for small children to control their strength when petting something. :)

A new day

Today started fucking PERFECT. It did! I shit you not.

I slept long and good next to my snuggletree.

The plans for yesterday was to watch a movie with Frost... but since I was too freakin' tired for it when it was 9 o'clock, I was even more tired when I had put Freya to bed and came out of her room around 10 o'clock.

So...no movie then. -_-  Fail.
 I could barely keep my eyes open. And I had been like that ALL day really, basically since I got back from work yesterday. My plans of having a nap failed too cause people just kept on coming over haha I'm not complaining though. I was happy to have Josse over too :3

And Sofi and Petter came over with Lykke, and they brought a late b-day gift for Freya. Aaaws.
Cutest little outfit ever ^_^ And Ida dropped by too with another gift for The Frey. :)
So... yeah. I had no chance of napping. I played a lot with Freya though and that was superfun :D She laughed so much. <3  And Frost and I played Destiny together during the day.


But anyway...yeah. The movie night last night was cancelled. we went to bed at 10 and fell asleep like BAM and slept non stop till 8 o'clock this morning. And it felt sooooooooooooooooooo good.

I feel like I got the sleep I needed finally. I feel mentally refreshed.
Plus I got to sneak some free snuggles from Frost. Tehehehe~

Aaah. It felt good waking up and looking at the clock. Woke up 10 minutes before the alarm clock went off. YaY me~

However, by the time me and Lei Lei sat on the bus....... Freya apparently pooped like crazy. And I quote: 'Freya just pooped the worst poop she ever has, it was everywhere and sticky and t took twenty wipes....'

And 'it was terrible'. looooooooool hahaha Gosh, i couldn't help laughing like crazy. I felt like I accidentally jumped over a landmine that went off as soon as I was in the clear HAHAHHA!

Oh and let me tell you........ the bussride was insane.
Even waiting for the bus was insane.
Not a soul as far as the eye could see. (except for the weirdo waving at the cars....) I don't think I've ever seen that no one was waiting for a bus or train. It actually made me feel awkward after a while...like...what if the bus ain't coming here? Maybe that's why I'm all alone here? IS the bus doing a detour somewhere else instead? Is there something I'm missing?

And then...the bus finally came. And it wasn't a regular bus. it was so weird.
It looked super neat and clean inside. And it was superlong too. SO I had to walk to the faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar end of the bus with Lei Lei.
For a moment, I started to question if I was sane or not. Was this an imaginary bus I got? And the heat...omg the heat inside the bus almost made me wanna faint. SO WARM. Like it'd been minus degrees outside or something. Both me and LeiLei were like gasping for air almost melting away.

And he was driving sooooo slow too...

Anyway. LeiLei is laying outside on the porch right now, and I'm sipping on coffee and eating blue cheese on crackers. Aaah... a regular work sunday.

I have a few days off after this. Cool beans.


Ah, guess what we're having for brunch today?

American pancakes and legit Canadian maple syrup. Just the way I like it.

'Maple Joe'  It's like the syrup was made for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ haha

Two days off after this shift

YaY.

See, I've planned this perfectly.... I haven't slept in almost a week or so. (Apart from the daily naps at work. And they're not long. ) So I'm kinda feeling a bit loopy from time to time haha

So, now that I have two days off after this shift, I'm going to take my little red pill that I hate so much. Just so I can rest a little. Screw the hangover it gives me. As long as the brain gets some rest, and my body too.

Aaaaw...Freya is supersick again -_-
And Frost is sickly now too.

Aaaaand here's the beauty of it all: I'm fucking getting sick too.

Damn it.

I listened to Freya coughing all night. Her small breaths... she had a fever. I was probably by her bed at least 9 times last night. My little angel. Her nose is so stuffed.

Aaaah, this made me realize that maybe I've been having a cold without realizing it?
maybe I'm not allergic here... maybe I've just been sick.

Mind blown right?

Anyway.... I had a very nice day off with my family yesterday. Though it felt way too short.

Oh right, Lei Lei went with me to work today. :D

Did I mention that my sister is moving in the stairway next to mine? Well amostt next to mine anyway :D

Uhm, right. A little message to Mandy, in case she's reading this....I sure do hope you're ok sweetie. Wherever you are. Be safe. Chris too, stay safe and healthy. Hope to hear from you guys soon.

Hi!

So guess what?



I've got a new phone for our anniversary.... It's microsofts Lumia 535, and its a hot looking little thang.

I've been shitty at updating on the blog too because...lets face it. I have no fucking clue on what the hell I'm doing right now hahhah I'm learning my new phone. I wanna name her... She's so friendly lol

Basics, it's blue, big! Pretty ^_^ Aaaaand I've got Cortana on her. That might not mean anything to most of you... But to anyone who's played Halo. It should ring a bell. 100 times better than Siri. I can ask her to find me the best cheesecake recipe and she does. Yay!

Only problem is... I don't know how blog from this phone haha (I'll learn though)

But anyway... Different apps and shit yeah... But here's a cool thing: When I do online gaming, I access the Xbox One through the phone.
I love it! Haha I have an extension of my Xbox one. (and I play Destiny a looooot so I need it)

Here's some pics, cause its all I can give you for now haha

plus it takes much better photos.

Saturday

Watching The Arrow and knitting.
Such a nice day lol

It's just been snuggles and laying in the couch today. Oh and salads. We like salads in this family (well, I do anyway lol) Freya eats goo.


update: we walked. In the rain.

Princess growing

Yep, like it says above, my princess is growing. Gosh.

On Thursday, Lykke turns one year old!
1 YEAR! It's insane how fast time's moving these days. Is it cause we have kids now? Cause we're parent? I dunno...but it sure feels like times flies by.

Freya is chasing a ball on the floor now. She crawling and wiggling fast as fudge these days.

She's been crying aaaaaaaaaaaaaaall morning. Boo. I felt like I was going insane after 5 hours of constant screaming. Not being able to shit sucks. Thus, she cries.
 I snuggled the shit out of Freya too once I got out of the shower :) And now she's happy too!

I had a bad night......Slept uneasy and I couldn't relax.
Frost said I farted in my sleep! And my tummy made so many noises so he thought I'd poop myself! (?) Like wtf. He lies. Girls never fart. Everyone knows that.



Oh, we went on some family adventures yesterday :D

And now we have plans for Valborg. Sweet. BBQ with the elite lol