realization

so.. I've been thinking. YEAH! <-- thinking. Urk..I hate using my brain. It's awful. But anyway, yeah... been thinking, and I'll warn you..it might sound crazy and weird but I'm alright. And I'm NOT sad just so you know. Ok?

it's just that I have some questions and wonders and whatnot that needs to be answered or revealed.

And I realized that it's like I've been living for someone else my entire life. Always wanting to please and make others happy. (though I still feel happy if I manage to make someone else happy) But I've always felt like something was wrong but I've been SO good at ignoring it,  Not once did I think about what I want or how I feel. And now what? What do I do now?  This is veeeery annoying for me. It's almost as if I have forgotten HOW to feel O__o And I didn't even notice that I lost them somewhere, that my emotions were stonecold.... I didn't even notice that I've lost my way in the wilderness... How did I end up being such a...a....an icequeen? When did I loose my way? And how? What killed eveything and why didn't I see it? Am I insane?

HOW COME I NEVER NOTICED ANY OF THIS?! wtf..


Right now, I'd like to run away to a foreign country and hide there under a blanket in a cosy bed. And just BE.


But I have to admit that I have such wonderful friends... that I can be honest with. And I could'nt even be honest with myself. I've lied to everyone AND myself for the longest time. But there's only very few people that know what I'm talking about. And I'll keep it like that. But I'm very thankful for you that are there. I am. Mesa luvs you long time.



Guess I'll have to find the truth now.
however that may go, feels like I'll be going on a quest for the truuuuuth!!!








Right now, I'm feeling quite alright. Not sad, and not happy. I'm an expert at shutting down my feelings. Which I have done now. So everything is fine at the moment. Buuut i'll be needing my mommy when I decide to start thinking and feeling again. hahaha Me needs mum. So..yeah... maybe I should even set up a date for it hahahahahaha




And btw, I'm not insane. YAY. <-- Jonny said so <3




so, I will find out the truth and reveal it! *drums* and so on.

And if I cant then... uh.. then I'll just,... uh.... magicaly disappear with my magic weed smoking owl. <3