It's been a while

I've got some real shit to tell you.
If you don't wanna hear my complaining now...I suggest you scroll down.
Cause this ain't peachy. And the truth ain't pretty.

I'm going to write about my weekend.

See....I've had a crappy week tbh... Freyster's sick and she's not getting better. Which worries me a lot. I've had a weekend with withdrawals and a man that's sick AF too. So Freyster got to stay with granny. I'm very grateful for that. Cause we've been dead all weekend.

Sooo...I've got a plan. There's a reason why I'm going through withdrawals.

My plan is to stop using all opiates. ☺

Opiates....they're SO good. They make you feel warm and fussy and the pain goes away. They make everything a little easier. But they rip you apart when you stop taking them.
It's just not worth feeling like shit once you're off of them. And if I want to have another kid...opiates ain't gonna help me. So I'm getting clean and I'm gonna ask my doctor to let me eat tramadol instead. They're like 20 times lighter than my current painkillers. So yeah, I'll probably be in pain a lot cause they won't work as well as the others. But it's so much easier getting clean from tramadol than it is with oxy's. 

It's worth a shot right?

My doctors try to control everything...I've tried for half a year now to tell them that I don't want the 12 hour pills. Cause I don't want it in my system ALL the damn time. I wanna be able to just take a fucking painkiller when I'm in pain. Like everyone else. But they insist on having me on oxycotin 24 hours a day. It's too much.
Because of my EDS, it doesn't affect my mind the way it does others. My mind doesn't get clouded and weird. I don't get "high" either.  I feel better.. yeah. But not high. But still, I don't want that shit running through my veins 24/7. Buuuuut because of ny EDS I'll always need painkillers. But I just want to be able to handle the pain without it sometimes. Ya know?

So I'm gonna change that.

I need to change my life a lot. And I'm gonna start soon. I've already gone through the worst part of withdrawals. (I hope there's not more....) haha So I'm hoping that the doctors will see all the effort I put into it and listen to what I say. And understand that I want to try something else. Something easier and less addictive.

I'm doing this for love. 💖

You'd think doctors would help you try something lighter than the second strongest shit you can take. But they're surprisingly resistant.
The next step would obviously be methadone since my tolerance has gone up so damn high. Do I really wanna go through that? FUUUUUUUUCK NOOOO.

Did you know that getting clean from methadone can take up to 2 months (going through the withdrawals I mean) that's excruciating pain every day and diarrhoea and Headaches and fevers and shit. There's supposedly nothing worse than getting off of those meds. I ain't going down that road.

For those of you that don't know what it feels like going through withdrawals.... It's fucking painful and exhausting. Like someone is stabbing me in my gut repeatedly. Your bowels give up and you fucking poop you guts out too. It just hurts so bad. Like your insides are being torn apart.  Everything hurts. My EDS flares up and gets 20 times worse. Every fiber of my body hurts... I'm sweating like a pig. And I'm pretty sure this is what it feels like to die when your organs give up.
It's a living hell.

While with tramadol...withdrawals takes less than two days. And it feels like a flu.
See why I want them instead?
Cause I wanna be able to stop on my own free will WHEN I want to.
I've accepted the fact that I'll need painkillers for the rest of my life.

But I wanna be able to control what I can when it comes to my own body.

I dont want anything in my system when I start to TRY to get pregnant. I don't want anything that could harm the baby. Thus, I wanna be able to quit easily when I've made up my mind.

And I wanna loose weight too but my mind is just not very strong atm. Things are just rough right now. And I feel like I'm losing my way. I can't focus on too many things.
I worry a lot. A loooooot.

But just now... I was holding Frost while he slept cause he wouldn't stop shivering. His fever is being a dick and me clinging on to him seemed to make him shiver less.
That's what I've done to Freya when she's been shivering. I use my bodyweight to keep her calm and warm and it works. So i did that with Frost.

So when I laid there...holding him. I remembered my path that I chose.
I want happiness with the man I love and with my amazing daughter. We're getting married and next year I want to be able to have another child.
I want to help Frost handle his anxiety... help him so that it doesn't control his life as it does now.
And I want to be there for my friends and family when they need me.
Being on a sickleave has made things easier tbh. I have more energy  (well obviously not right NOW.... but you know...) I'm getting better.

So I'm going to find my way again.
And it'll take time to loose weight... But I'll get there.

And other things that's been gnawing on me is that Freyster's been sick since the friday over one week ago. I'm getting really worried...she doesn't get to keep any food. 🙁 My poor baby. I've literally been awake all night again. Mostly due to eds related problems but also cause I cant stop thinking. It's 6:58 now. I hope I can fall asleep even for a little.

Today will be a better day.
All I can do is walk forward with my head up high. Holding on to my family.

Plus....Christmas is coming and that's my favorite time of the year! What's not to be excited about? 😃

I wanna hug an snuggle Freya. I've missed her while she's been with her granny.

Well..wish me luck with convincing my doctor to let me have something lighter than oxy's.
Something so simple is actually so hard. 😑

I'm going to write a better post later today. :) I promise.

Freyster keeps me sane though :P

Our sunshine <3