emotions are gay

Everyone gets hurt in life. More or less anyway.
Some live good lives with smiles on their faces and spending the time with their loved ones, some live their lives alone, in sadness not being able to break free.

But we all get hurt once in a while. One way or another.

What's important is to not run away from it. Wont do you much good really.. though I understand the whole point of running away. Protect you from getting hurt. Kinda a clever idea tbh. Almost briliant, if it didn't mean that you'll probably end up alone forever and ever. With trust issues and no love (like meeeee laaaawl)
BUT I've sorta stopped running now. Cause in the end,  I know I'm strong enough to do anything if I just put my mind to it. I'm sure of it. Of course it's scary... it's scary being single and alone. it' scary not having a job, not having anyone to rely upon. Not having any money.. being alone all the time... But that was the whole point really  when I pressed the "escape button." I wanted to rely on myself. Even though it is scary. I wanted to be free.

I did however, not expect to loose my job and all that. But shit happens. I will manage somehow. As long as Lei Lei's alright then so am I. 

Right now, I feel like.... I'm very alone. But I've somehow put myself in this position by pushing people away all these years. Not being able to open up. So, I'm using aaaaaaall my emotions right now. ALL OF THEM. I'm trying hard to do everyday chores. I'm trying hard to live and be happy. And I'm trying hard to find my place :) And I'm trying hard to make others happy as well as myself.

I am, in way, proud of myself. For finally finding the courage to move on. To take that HUGE step to freedom. For being on my own. Someone did help me discover things, opened my eyes and such. But i was still the one who had to take a leap :3 mesa so proud.

And I feel like I don't have the right to say "I'm lonely" or "i'm feeling down" or "I'm scared". I don't have the right to feel the way I do since I was the one who put myself in this situation. So, instead I thought, I'll earn the right then... I'll earn the rights of being a normal human :P it's doable.


Only thing that actually frightens me at the moment....
is that what if I'll be single forever?
What if nobody honestly wants me? Or can accept me as I am? I'm fully aware of the fact that I'm a bit strange and a lot different from other women. BUT I do feel that what I can offer, is faaar better than what anyone else can offer. I AM a far better choice. tehe~



Soooo, question is. What if no one wants someone like me? O.o
What to do then? What can I have as a backup plan in the worst case scenario?

See, I figured, if I'm 34 and still single and all that crap (god forbidd) and no one is up for the job,  then I'll just travel to another country, get laid with some random guy, get pregnant and go home and have my own little family then. lolololololol

Insane much?
haha


Briliant backup plan though. You gotta agree with me on that,right?