Sunday, May 29, 2016

Happy mothers day

I got  sweet little praline box this morning before work. And a cute card that Freya obviously doodled in haha

It's like super tiny pralines, so cute. haha
That was a nice thing. I also got roses last night, that smells awesome.

I love my doodles <3


Well, I'm sure this will be considered an awkward post.
Like most people know, I probably don't have the best ties with other parts of my family. ery kinda distant with each other. It's always felt like that too.

But Yesterday, I went to see grandma. Dad was there so I thought it could be a good idea, since she was dying so he wouldn't be alone. I wanted to see her before that happened. So I sat with her. Held her hand. I watched her pulse on her neck all the time since her breathing was so uneven. But her pulse was stabile.

The nurse came in and told us that there was coffee outside for us if we wanted it.
I sat there holding granny's hand, so I asked if dad could get me one.

As soon as dad had left the room, she stopped breathing.
I watched her pulse, it was still beating at first... and for some reason I started whimpering like a lil' kid to her, 'please granny.... not now. Just hang on a bit. Just wait till dad gets back. Please don't do this now. Vänta på pappa farmor.' I really wanted dad to be there.

And as soon as dad set his foot next to me, her pulse stopped completely. And she died holding my hand.

And this was the only time I've ever seen my dad cry.

I told him right after it happened, that I seriously believe she held on to see dad again, cause I begged her. And that I was glad that I managed to tell her my true feelings before she got too sick. How I told her that I never felt welcome in her house. And that's why I never visited her really... dad agreed. He thought it was a good thing me and grandma managed to talk. We solved our shit ya know?

I did feel rude for saying that I wanted my sister to get Granny's earth globe.... but this was decided before grandma died that Josse wanted it. So before our older "sister" could claim anything, I wanted to make sure Josse got what she wanted first. Dad didn't seem to think it was rude. Myrorna will probably get most things though.

In fact, it was something that needed to be discussed now that I wouldn't be able to get the apartment anymore. Where would all the things go? They'd have to sell them. So I said I could take some furniture. Yup.

We all kinda just sat there, thinking about all those old things.
I like old things....... I didn't want everything to disappear. 

Welp, yesterday went by. I didn't expect my grandma to die while I was there. So my day just got weird. And it reminded me that one day it'll be me standing there crying cause my mom died. And that just broke my heart. I will never be ready for that. I'll never be able to handle that. Mamma...

Strange fact, I've seen countless people die in my life. But it's certainly different when it's your own kin. She was high on morphine though so she didn't suffer. Which that was nice.

Yet I got surprisingly sad right when it happened. Cause I just realized that I can't go visit her anymore. Even though we finally solved our issues. I never got to take a photo of Freya and her great grandma. That would've been cool to have.

My uncle and aunt hurried to grandma's side too after dad called them. That was hard to see. How dad felt... it was kinda sad. The person who never shows emotions.

They were all sad that she didn't manage to survive till today. Cause today is mothersday.

So may you rest in peace now grandma,now more anxiety and worries. It'd all over. I hope you're with grandpa now.

Dad said she's with Jesus now. Which surprised me. Never thought I'd here something like that from dad lips. But alrighty then. She's definitely somewhere.

Shit don't just end cause you die. Nope. She's somewhere else now. I know that much :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Hello savior

This here, is my diets savior. *choir of angels singing*
I'm finally hone from work. Eating breakfast with my family. Freya is eating hashbrowns and a peach smoothie. Mama takes care of this little weasel haha Eat! Eat baby girl! She's trying to eat my breakfast too now lol 😊  oh well.
Oh here's a really nice fact, usually I work Tuesdays, Thursdays  and Saturday or Sunday and then Tuesday again. But this week I don't work Thursday yay! I actually work Friday instead. Every now and then the schedule takes a little turn like this. It's nice.

Gah.. I hope I get the apartment!

Tuesday, May 24, 2016


(going all fangirl crazy here) Yaaaaay!

One of the comics I used to own, besides Lobo, The Punisher and X-men, was Preacher.
And boy have I been waiting for the live adaption of it for a long time now. The postponed the release date aaaaaall the fucking time and I almost gave up about it. But then the other day, it had it's premiere! And we all know that AMC are known for making some good shit. Frost reminded me of the great shows of AMC.

So let's hope DC's Preacher becomes a hit kay? :3

Two really good things about the show is Cassidy and Arseface. I LOVE how they made arseface. It's so realistic! (he tried to kill himself if I remember correctly, and failed miserably by blowing  half his face off, by putting the shotgun under his missed the brain. KABOOM) And the dude who plays Cassidy... lol Perfect. The heavy drinking irish vampire. haha He's great.

They seem to follow the comics somewhat thorough. Although, the way he gets genesis inside of him is a little more brutal and different in the comic. But oh well.

See, Jesse (the protagonist) gets fused with Genesis. An entity that escaped it's chamber from heaven. In the comics it's neither good nor evil really... kinda hard to tell. I don't know how the series will be though. But anyway, Jesse has The Voice Of God then. (that's genesis power, people will do what he tells them to) and he needs to be fucking careful with his words from now on lol

I hope the show will focus a lot on Jesse's past though. His crazy religious fanatic family and shit. That'd be cool. But I get the feeling it'll simply be about his journey to find God. (Jesse's kinda angry with god cause he disappeared.) Either way, I think it'll be awesome ;D

Good morning peeps

I'm waiting on the bus, as usual. Story of my life really. LOL
It's superwarm today and I'm in agony because of that. I really do hate the heat, unless I'm two feet away from a pool or a lake, already in a bikini ready to swim. Yep.
Aaaah I'm so miserable. 😩
Oh but here's a good thing. (or possibly a good thing anyway) Yesterday I signed the apartment exchange contract. If the new landlord approve of me and my income then we'll be moving in June!
I'm so excited and terrified at the same time! Iiiiih! The only negative part is that it's far away from everyone. But that'll all get better once Frost gets a driver's license and my bike gets fixed. Can't wait to ride my bike with Freya on it to go see granny for coffee!

For some reason I'm very excited about going places with Freya hahah 😊
Well, wish us luck. It'll be so nice to live there. Our own backyard!! Yay! And sooooo many playgrounds for Freya!!
Oh yeah I should get on the bus now and hurry to work.

Monday, May 23, 2016


Guess who's been sipping on sangria today. Yum!
Nathalie dropped by too and said hi before she had to go to her sister. :)
We've had a decent day. Yep.
And I miss Freya like crazy. She's with her granny and Lasse all weekend. I've never been apart from Freya like this before. It's a very strange feeling. On one hand I love being able to sleep freely. But on the other I miss her nightly and morning snuggles.. I miss her laughter and her face. And yet I appreciate the silence now. No musts.. Just chillin' like a villain.
That's all.

Friday, May 20, 2016

Early morning

It's 5am(ish) right now. I've been awake for a few hours. I'm super tired but I just can't seem to relax. 😕 Bummer. Plus Freya woke up around 3 screaming her lungs out. She was in such a panic mode. Poor baby. I have no idea why she was like this but she kept on waking up next to me crying and screaming. At one point she even woke up clawing me.
I finally got her back in her bed though 😊
I've noticed that recently my fatigue has gotten worse. Sometimes I can't even see straight. I see double and blurry and I have no choice but to close my eyes since I probably look cross-eyed when it happens...  some people ask why I get so tired.

Let me tell you, always being "on guard", scared of relaxing too much and stuff... that really drains you. Seriously.  I have to focus hard all time on my tensions and shit,keeping my body going. Staying tense so it won't fall apart. It makes you more tired than you think....
So for people who wonder why I'm so tired all the time.  It ain't cause I'm lazy.

My memory is greatly affected by it too.

On the bright side though, I was reminded of how much I wanna move from here. I just killed like 8 FAT fucking silverfishes!! 😨 Nasty fuckers. Gueh...

Aaaah it also looks like I won't be able to keep this phone. I ain't even sure this email will be sent to my blog since my phone says there's no storage left even to send a fucking email 😒 I want an android though.
I know... The issues of the today's world. Phones lol
BUT!! In my defense, I use my phone a lot for editing photos, making nice collages for the blog or stuff, it's nice having Netflix too. And Spotify. But I guess I need to delete though in order to be able to use the phone... It won't let me open Spotify anymore cause it days there ain't enough space for it 😐
But yeah... I like photos. Editing. Writing blog posts. Learning. Listening to music. All of that. I have three apps for my photos. They're brilliant. But I used to have 4, but I had to delete it for more space. I thought it'd work better... but meh...

Anyways... Yeah. Read about EDS there and educate yourself if I'm a person you care about. If I'm not, (And you're just reading my blog cause I'm so amazing) read it anyway just to open your mind. It's a rough disease... it wears you down.

Oh oh oh another bright side of me staying awake though, my body don't hurt as much/not cramping too much since I'm not relaxing my mind nor my body.
When I do manage to relax and rest... The pain I excruciating. So I think my mind unconsciously tries to avoid me resting sometimes. I mean, it knows that me relaxing is extremely painful, so why would it want me to. Can't blame my brain for thinking that way. Nope.

Aaah I'm gonna try to sleep again now.... It's quiet. Maryam picked up Michy yesterday so no more nagging tiny dog (yay!😀) 
But look at how cute they all were together. :)
But I still do hate small dog breeds, Gosh they're too annoying. LeiLei is the best <3

Oh oops... it's closer to 6am now. lol Oh well.

Thursday, May 19, 2016



We went to the movies last night, and Freya stayed with mom and Lasse. :)
Aaaand we watched the premiere of The new X-men movie :D
And afterward I walked the dogs with Josse. In the end, we stayed out for over an hour. Haha 😂

And it is done!

And I fucking love it! Woho!
Fucking Fabulous! 😄

Tuesday, May 17, 2016

Stuff & crap

Well here's some shit from a couple of day ago.
Got my hair cut off as you know. Tomorrow another big change is coming.
Also, my baby girl loooooves Mama Jo's smoothies 😄

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Birthday celebrations!

It was Friday the 13th and my lucky day. And we also had our b-day celebrations too!
The cakes...God...the cakes. They were do delicious! 😄 Mmmm.... My sister did a bang up job on those.

I got such awesome gifts too. I got a blender from mom & Lasse. Skin care/shower products by Rituals from Stina & Marcus. And a gift certificate from Sofia (I am so totally going to lay in the infra-sauna box) and i got 6 gorgeous mason jars from Nathalie. Filled with my favorite lollipop hahah the value kind is my favorite flavor. Hahaha I thought it was an awesome gift though. And also a pie form and a rubber ducky lol 😁 And a supersweet card that hit me right in the feelers. Gosh. And I had just managed to paint on my eyeliner haha I also got s haircut from my sister ;3 I look awesome. (well not NOW, I look like the crazy professor right now heh) My brother and wille came too ♥
Frost gave me (on my actually birthday kinda) an xbox elite controller, the Outlander book (thick as fuuuuuuck) and a beautiful white golf necklace. It's a four leaf charm ♥♥♥ i also got the massage chair the week before and DOOM! Pew.
So I'd day I've had one heck of a birthday. ;) 
I'm so thankful for everyone who came, and we're both very grateful to have all of you guys in our life. Thanks a bunch! 💖
Some people couldn't come yesterday so it seems like they'll be showing up the entire weekend 😒 Too bad I work tomorrow huh? LOL

Ain't I pretty with my new hairdo lol

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

My princess

My sailor Moon baby! Haha 😂 Gosh how I adore this doodle. She's so sweet and cute. And it warms my heart to hear how she misses me while I'm at work 😄 cause I miss her too!
It's a good thing we always try to make the days I'm off really count. So we do our best to make them awesome days! 

More work and birthdays

Happy birthday to the best dad and husband in the universe!
It's the birthday of the man who stole my heart today :) The day after my birthday haha it's almost like fate huh?
So Happy birthday honey! I hope you and I will spend at least 50 more of them together <3 I love you to saturn and back!
Can't wait to marry yoooou~

I also happen to have a very boring, yet important meeting at my other workplace. -_- Bummer. It's about medicine and shit which is kinda important so off we go. Straight there from my other job. Haha All I manage to do is go from one job to the other. Luckily my boss said I could bring Lei Lei which made things less stressful for me. :)

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

It's a workday & a birthday.

I'm alone on the bus for once. That feels awesome.

Especially since Leilei stinks. It's kinda embarrassing haha

Sooo....I was 29 when I went to bed last night. And today I work up 30 years old.
Holy fuck bucket. I am that old.
But I don't feel that old? I still love my video games and playing around with Frost. I am not growing up. Nope. I feel fine just the way I am. Uh huh.

I grew up enough when I became a mother haha

I got the sweetest happy birthday text in the middle of the night too.... around 1:10am. Aaaws, it made me really happy <3

Oh and I haaave to brag about what Frost gave me.
But I'll save that for later :3 

Thursday, May 5, 2016

My days off

I forgot to post these pics of my days off. We went to the city park, Freya got to play a lot. :)
Went to town a lot too....
To be honest I don't remember half the shit I did. But I did enjoy my days off lol

Freaks & Geeks

Guess what I'm watching? ;D
I love the fact that Netflix has Freaks & Geeks now! I loved that show!! Awesome music and and awesome actors :)
Gosh..  I'm old... It aired in 1999. LOL

Good morning peeps

Well, Guess what? 
I missed the bis this morning due to a strange weirdo. A complete stranger wanted to come with me to work. Until social services could be contacted. (or so she said)  When I tried to explain the confidentiality that I've signed for work she just got mad. And thus, I missed that bus. 

But I sat there and enjoyed my coffee while that weirdo went around asking other people. She wanted money too..  Gah. She ruined the morning. I hate being late.
But on the bright side... Lei Lei looks beautiful today :D