Okiedokie..

Well, I'm sure this will be considered an awkward post.
Like most people know, I probably don't have the best ties with other parts of my family. ery kinda distant with each other. It's always felt like that too.

But Yesterday, I went to see grandma. Dad was there so I thought it could be a good idea, since she was dying so he wouldn't be alone. I wanted to see her before that happened. So I sat with her. Held her hand. I watched her pulse on her neck all the time since her breathing was so uneven. But her pulse was stabile.

The nurse came in and told us that there was coffee outside for us if we wanted it.
I sat there holding granny's hand, so I asked if dad could get me one.

As soon as dad had left the room, she stopped breathing.
I watched her pulse, it was still beating at first... and for some reason I started whimpering like a lil' kid to her, 'please granny.... not now. Just hang on a bit. Just wait till dad gets back. Please don't do this now. Vänta på pappa farmor.' I really wanted dad to be there.

And as soon as dad set his foot next to me, her pulse stopped completely. And she died holding my hand.

And this was the only time I've ever seen my dad cry.

I told him right after it happened, that I seriously believe she held on to see dad again, cause I begged her. And that I was glad that I managed to tell her my true feelings before she got too sick. How I told her that I never felt welcome in her house. And that's why I never visited her really... dad agreed. He thought it was a good thing me and grandma managed to talk. We solved our shit ya know?


I did feel rude for saying that I wanted my sister to get Granny's earth globe.... but this was decided before grandma died that Josse wanted it. So before our older "sister" could claim anything, I wanted to make sure Josse got what she wanted first. Dad didn't seem to think it was rude. Myrorna will probably get most things though.

In fact, it was something that needed to be discussed now that I wouldn't be able to get the apartment anymore. Where would all the things go? They'd have to sell them. So I said I could take some furniture. Yup.

We all kinda just sat there, thinking about all those old things.
I like old things....... I didn't want everything to disappear. 


Welp, yesterday went by. I didn't expect my grandma to die while I was there. So my day just got weird. And it reminded me that one day it'll be me standing there crying cause my mom died. And that just broke my heart. I will never be ready for that. I'll never be able to handle that. Mamma...


Strange fact, I've seen countless people die in my life. But it's certainly different when it's your own kin. She was high on morphine though so she didn't suffer. Which that was nice.

Yet I got surprisingly sad right when it happened. Cause I just realized that I can't go visit her anymore. Even though we finally solved our issues. I never got to take a photo of Freya and her great grandma. That would've been cool to have.


My uncle and aunt hurried to grandma's side too after dad called them. That was hard to see. How dad felt... it was kinda sad. The person who never shows emotions.

They were all sad that she didn't manage to survive till today. Cause today is mothersday.

So may you rest in peace now grandma,now more anxiety and worries. It'd all over. I hope you're with grandpa now.

Dad said she's with Jesus now. Which surprised me. Never thought I'd here something like that from dad lips. But alrighty then. She's definitely somewhere.

Shit don't just end cause you die. Nope. She's somewhere else now. I know that much :)