Saturday, July 29, 2017

Vila i frid

Well I don't really know what to say.... So I'll just write what comes to mind. 

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now.. . But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even mention her name since she died.  

Lei Lei ❤

She's dead...... She's really gone. And it's like it's not even real,  I keep waiting for her to walk in here any moment now. 

This is just a bunch of words written can't see the emotions, feel the overwhelming sadness. 

I'm heartbroken... I cried my fucking eyes out for several days. I don't really care if anyone thinks it's lame for crying so hard over a pet. But you gotta understand that she wasn't just a pet. She was never just a pet. 
She was much much more than that...she was a family member. My child and best friend. So yeah, it's natural to grieve. I just didn't think I'd be this heartbroken.💔 I thought it'd help me to know that she was really sick... But it doesn't make me feel any better at all. It kinda makes me feel worse in a way. My sweet little baby... 

And thus, our little family got a bit smaller. It feels really fucking empty without her. I forgot what it was like to not have a dog. She was such a huge part of me, and now it feels like I'm really lonely and empty. I know I'm not alone. I know that... But I feel lonely.
Everything is different now. It feels like a part of me is gone. 

No one is snoring loudly in the hallway...
No one is growling in the night when someone is walking too close to our door. 
No one is growling and whining at the mailman... 
No one is standing by the door happily waiting for me when I get home. 
And there's no pitter patter on the floors from her claws... 
Man, it's empty and sad around here now. 

Did you know that she smiled? She was a smiling dog. And you knew that it was a smile when you saw it...   I should've hugged her more. I should've.
I don't care that she shit herself, I don't care about her constant farting or all the fur everywhere... None of that matters. 
I'd clean up shit for the rest of my life if it meant more time with her. I'd walk with my clothes covered in doghair if I could just have her here again. 
But she was embarrassed of shitting inside. I know she was...poor baby. 

Frost took this really hard as well. 
Haven't seen him shed tears like this before. He's still sad. Just like me... But he's been so supportive and warm. I needed that. He's just been comforting me everyday now. 

And Freya... She's having a hard time coping with this. It's hard for her to understand. She asks everyday where lei lei has gone. Why did lei lei leave... And she looks for her everywhere. Of course it's strange for a child that's been with a dog since the day she was born, and suddenly that dog is gone. Nowhere to be found. It's like loosing a sibling in her case. 

It's hard for her to understand. And it makes me sad everytime she says 'lei lei gone'. 💔

I still haven't cleaned away her bowls and her rug. It's still there... Fur and all. 

And I miss her. Really really much. God fucking damn it I miss her... 

But I was surprised over how many people who gave their condolences. I had forgotten just how many people lei lei actually met. My old coworkers called, old friends and acquaintances, relatives and people I barely know. I thought it was sweet... Many people cried over her. And that warmed my heart a little too. 

I suppose I knew this day would come eventually. She was sick for 7 years. It was inevitable... 
But I just wanted her to be happy and healthy. In the end she was so sick that it was hard for them to even put her down. She was so sick. And it hurts to think about it. 

I miss my doodle... She was mine. And she supported me through everything and loved me unconditionally. No matter how bitchy, moody or boring I was. She loved me. 

And I love her unconditionally too. 

Before it was time, my sister took beautiful photos of her. She looked so pretty and happy. Unknowing of what awaited. 
But I knew. 
And I cried... I cried and couldn't stop. 

I raised that doodle. Since she was a fat puppy. I raised her...we kinda grew up together. 

Shit, that day is the worst day I've ever had. I've never cried this much before. Nor have I ever missed anyone this much either. 
She laid in my lap... Breathing slower and slower. I was fiddling with her fluffy fudge colored ear... I always loved her fuzzy little ears. Just writing this makes me tear up. 
God, how much I love that furball....
Once het heart stopped it was so fucking hard to keep the tears in. Walking out of the clinic with an empty leash. 

People walking their dogs outside knew.. One look and they knew. And their eyes were full of pity. They know what it's like. 

The man I bought lei lei from paid for it all. He helped me put and said that I fought for lei lei for so long that it was the least he could do. It was nice of him to go with me. 
But I don't think he quite understood how heartbreaking it was. I tried so hard not to show it though...but he probably noticed that I wasn't breathing. That I wasn't looking at him. My glasses hid the most of it... 

It felt like I wasn't able to say good bye properly. Cause I wasn't mentally prepared. It all happened to fast really. It was too soon. I feel like we didn't get enough time together. I didn't get time to prepare. I should've said no. I should've waited... I should've waited. I am so sad. 

So I'm saying it now sweetie. 

Good bye baby. I miss you so much. I wish you could've recovered and stayed with me... God, how I wished for that. I love you. I honestly love you so incredibly much. And I hope you knew that. That's what makes me the saddest... Did you know how loved you were? Did you know how much you meant? I hope you did. I hope you could feel it. I hope you felt me when you died in my arms. 
I have so many regrets. But I don't regret spending all my money on you. I'll never regret that. But I do regret that I didn't have enough money to give you the absolute best in the end... I keep wondering if things would've been different if I was really rich.
Maybe it wouldn't have mattered.... You can't buy time I suppose. 

I hope you're finally at peace. 🌟

You had the purest heart of them all. No one could compare to you Lei lei....and no one ever will. 
You were so wonderful and so loved. We all miss you. I miss you. ❤

Forever and always. 

I'm crying while writing this. I can't help it. It's like rubbing salt in an open wound. 

Maybe I shouldn't have written this just yet. 

She died on July 26th. She would've been 8 years old in October. 

Jag vet inte riktigt vad mer jag kan skriva... Det gör fortfarande ont. Slutar man någonsin sakna någon? Jag gråter fan aldrig... Men nu kan jag inte sluta. 
Jag är otroligt tacksam för mina fina vänner som stöttat mig genom allt. Respekterat att jag velat va ifred och funnits där när man äntligen pallar gå ut. 

Vem hade trott att jag skulle bli så här förkrossad...

Tack ❤

Thursday, July 27, 2017

Never in my life have I ever cried this much.
Nor have I ever mourned someone, as I am mourning you.

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

Binge watching

Well, we've been binge watching a lot of stuff lately. Binge watching.... The best way to pass time sometimes.
I have like 325 games, and I still couldn't find anything to do. I was so god damn bored.... But we've been watching Ballers a lot lately. And I like it ☺ Gave us something to do too.

And today it's Preacher since a new episode came out. See, the reason I like Preacher is cause they're sticking to the comic books. Jesse isn't a likable guy. He's selfish, jealous and kind of an asshole. But he'll step up if he has too. And Cassidy is the vampire... But he's kinder than the preacher. It's just a very unique series. 

And Ballers.... Well Ballers is just what it sounds like. Football 🙌 it's a good show. And I do like football, so I find it amusing. Some of them are so fucking stupid though. There's a lot of real NFL players in this show. So that's cool. 

Anyhoooo... Later today I'll be going out for a drive with my brother. Freya and Wille gets to play with granny while we're out. Yay~ ❤

I have a feeling that this will be a slow day. 
Frost made some delicious coffee for me this morning. Strong as heeeell too. Shooo.... It was good. ☕ Woke me right up,  like a fucking slap in the face lol

Got a lot of grocery shopping to do today. Woop woop. 

And I gotta do something that I'm subconsciously trying to postpone. I don't want to do this... It's breaking me from the inside out. My heart bleeds... And I don't even know how to do this without crying. I hate this... I hate having to make such a decision too. It's heavy and painful. 

And so I'm trying to postpone it, but I know it ain't right. I gotta make the call. 
Basically I'm just pretending that shit's fine and that I'm not sad at all. 

But I'm heartbroken... 💔 

I've always been good at not showing my emotions though. Can't show them right now... And I gotta smile and be warm right now. ❤

I'm not ready to write this down in words yet though. It makes it too real... 
I'll write about it once it's done... Once it's over. 
Just thinking the words inside my head breaks my heart even more. 

So for now I'll just call this me making a choice that needs to be made.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Outlander season 3

Yay! Season 3 is near. :D

Well the books were awesome so I'm just expecting the new season to follow that lead pretty much.

Freya's been in Zinkgruvan since tuesday.
It's been....quiet here. Very quiet. I miss the shit out of her too.........

It's been nice to sleep in the mornings though. A rare treat. haha LeiLei's been loving it though. She's just been resting and relaxing. Not having to worry about a kid running you over with her bike lol

But boy do we miss Freyster. Her snuggles and hugs and kisses too.
She's coming home tomorrow. :D   Yay!

I've got some plans and stuff to do. But I don't think anything can compare to all the fun she's been having this week. She's been swimming in the lakes, playing outside everyday all day long. Sleeping outside, going on the little chuuchuu train and seeing new places.

Yeah I bet this week was amazeballs.
It'll be hard to live up to that shit. haha

Gotta bake and prepare stuff too for Freya's birthday. But it's not that urgent. There's still time.

I was thinking an angel food cake, and possibly some cute cookies :) And banoffee pies... Maybe.

Or maybe just some cute pavlovas? :)

Frost and I haven't done anything today really... more spooning tonight I suppose lmao
We've had a pretty boring day.  But I guess that's alright, we've had a good week.
Played Destiny 2 beta on ps4 when that came out. Pretty neat to play before the other got to. It was a little disappointing thought, but I bet the game will be awesome in general.
We've also watched every episode of Game Of Thrones. Yay!

We took a late walk earlier though, and talked about old memories :)

We had originally planned to go to Alabama in july this year, but I changed my mind earlier in the year.  We'll try to go next year in the fall or early spring the year after. Cause I simply can't handle the heat in Alabama haha it's sad but true. Last time I was there it was around 100 degrees. It was insanely hot. Good grief. I thought I'd die haha So we'll go when the timing is right (and the weather's not too hot)

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Happy birthday little sis

It's a big day today! This doodle turns 27 ❤

27 years ago, on this day... I got a present. Yep.  I got my Josefin. And she was mine. And I became a big sister. 
It was an awesome present, a babysister... That would be mine forever. 

Sure, I'm not the best big sister in the world.. And sure, I take her for granted sometimes. Cause she's my only sister. And sure I probably make her frustrated too... Cause she can be frustrating as well. And suuure we're both a little weird.  
But damn it. We're sisters.
And I hope she realizes how much I love her. ❤

I'll try hard in the future not to take her for granted. 

Today is your day Josse. ❤❤❤
Happy birthday. You were the best gift ever. 

Tuesday, July 11, 2017


Look at this doodle lol She's doing so well paddling around outside haha

Yeah,  she goes for a ride around the neighborhood every day now ❤

In  a little over a month she'll turn 3. Can you believe it?? Threeeeee :0

Fucking hell. 

Where does the time go?! 

It's insane...  
Well, She's definitely a hand full, and she's definitely wild, but she's most definitely the best and sweetest kid in the world. ❤❤❤
And I love her more than words can say. More than the fish in the sea. ❤

OH! My pain is getting better, so that's nice. Really nice actually. I can actually go out and do stuff. Yay me~ I needed this. We needed this tbh. Though Frost & Freya definitely kept me entertained and shit haha But I prefer it when we all do stuff together ❤ 
But it's nice to be on a 5 on the pain scale for once. 

You know, sex helps a lot with the pain actually. Frost believes that the more orgasms I get, the better I'll feel.😂 Hahah well he's not entirely wrong there lol but it does distract me from pain haha 
He's funny 😄

If only sex could take away EDS pain. I'd never be in pain again. Hah. 


Hey, Snuggletree.... Look at that adorable baby koala we made 😊

Tomorrow is our anniversary, and my nephews birthday too. Yep yep ❤ 
Growing up so fast. 

It's been a slow day, but we've had fun. Freya had fun. Lei lei... Kinda had fun for a moment lol 

Saturday, July 8, 2017


My little artist. ❤❤❤
I'm gonna buy better watercolors and more children pencils soon, so she can draw with me. ☺

Update about the parmesan food... That's gonna have to be tomorrow. Cause K who came to visit earlier brought me a chicken. A whole big ass chicken. 

So we'll eat that tonight since it was fresh out of an oven lol still warm when K got here.

We're also pottytraining the doodle. she does NOT like the toilet nor the potty. But we're persistent. She's going for several hours without a diaper, and then ask for a diaper when she needs to go. Last night she forgot...and peed on the floor lmao

Oh well, she's not even 3 yet so it's not like we're in a hurry.

Now it's some ps4 playing with my man, while Freyster watches Carebears. ❤

Damn I'm good

I made a chunky juicy lasagna last night. I made so much that it's insane. Plus it turned out huge. I made over a liter of béchamel sauce.... Eheheeee.... It was tasty as fuck though. Just a little... Too much.  :3

So I saved half of it, and I'll make a parmesan chicken sauce with pasta today instead. Parmesan sauce is awesome...yum~

Ok, we're about to get company so I should get moving. Uh huh. 
Time to make coffee. ☕

Monday, July 3, 2017

The one

You know, I've been having a fucking rough week.
My pain has skyrocketed... and I've been feeling that I'm getting close to my breaking point.
It's been so hard, and I scream out loud from pain. It's really embarrassing too, cause I don't like showing the pain... but this time I can't even hide it. -_- It sucks.

This morning, Frost tried to help me out of bed...and he looked at me with such a sweet and gentle look... his eyes expressed such care and sadness. So I started crying, cause he was trying so hard to help me, and I could tell he was sad to see me in such pain.

I can't express my love for him enough for you to understand. Neither can I express how grateful I am... how thankful and happy I am. 

He is the best man on earth. He cares so much, and he loves me so much... and it's a fucking amazing feeling to be loved like this. He knows everything about me. Cause I want him to. I wanted him to be the one who knows everything about. The only one. So I even showed him my bad sides... and I've seen his bad sides too... and he's still so fucking fantastic.

Truth be told...I can't wait to marry my best friend 
I can't wait to be a Hastings.

We're going to have a small wedding too, not big. Just the important people around us. And it'll be the best day ever ❤ I can't wait. 

Shania Twain made songs that really relates to us. ❤ Frost said The One is our song a long time ago... and he was right.  I love that song, The One is ours :) We'll play it on our wedding day.

I still have certain things I want for that day so we need to save up money for that shit.

Even this song suits us ❤ I always liked that lady. :) She's cool.

So baby, I hope you know how much I love you. Your'e my one and only. 
And I'll stick with you forever  
) think that your'e awesome, even though I've seen your bad sides too.
I adore you baby. I fucking adore the shit out of you.

I love being with you, and I love the things we do together.

And the sex is fucking fantastic lmao 
So that's a good things too lol

Your'e a good doodle.

Movie marathons

So this weekends it's been Marvel's avengers and x-men (I love the x-men, I grew up with that shit and I lurrrrved it) Well X-Men, Conan The Barbarian comics, oh and the Phantom :3 Yeah I read that shit and I was addicted lol So when X-men the tv-series hit Sweden I was the first one to go cray cray for that shit. ahaha :)

(Talking about that... Mullins keeps calling cray cray btw.. shit, he don't know what he's on about. His wife is the cray cray one lol)

Anyhoo... We're gonna watch Footloose and Flashdance soon.
The Italian Stallion directed Footloose...thus, I have to watch it again... cause I mean, was in the same time Rocky and shit was huge.
I just thought it was interesting that he directed such a hit. :)

Today we're watching Captain American The First Avenger. (Yeah Frost loves Captain America) I like him too, but he's such a goody two shoes... -_- Bucky is  pretty awesome Captain America that'll be cool AF when he becomes that. Unfortunately I'm certain that Steven Rogers The original Captain America will die in "Infinite war".

You know, about goody two shoes... that's a funny story, the origin of that name I mean. (I like to find out the origins on old sayings. So I had to find out that origin too obviously.
Goody Two Shoes was a children's story back in the late 17th century, it was published 1781 I think. (I'm pretty certain of that anyway) and it was about a girl called Margery Meanwell (lol just that name itself makes a point lmao) who was supervirtuous and always did right and shit, and she walked through life with only one shoe. Until a man gives her a complete set of shoes and she goes around telling everyone that she has two shoes.

well we should continue watching I guess :)