Vila i frid

Well I don't really know what to say.... So I'll just write what comes to mind. 

I've been meaning to write about this for a while now.. . But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't even mention her name since she died.  

Lei Lei 

She's dead...... She's really gone. And it's like it's not even real,  I keep waiting for her to walk in here any moment now. 

This is just a bunch of words written down...you can't see the emotions, feel the overwhelming sadness. 

I'm heartbroken... I cried my fucking eyes out for several days. I don't really care if anyone thinks it's lame for crying so hard over a pet. But you gotta understand that she wasn't just a pet. She was never just a pet. 

She was much much more than that...she was a family member. My child and best friend. So yeah, it's natural to grieve. I just didn't think I'd be this heartbroken. I thought it'd help me to know that she was really sick... But it doesn't make me feel any better at all. It kinda makes me feel worse in a way. My sweet little baby... 

And thus, our little family got a bit smaller. It feels really fucking empty without her. I forgot what it was like to not have a dog. She was such a huge part of me, and now it feels like I'm really lonely and empty. I know I'm not alone. I know that... But I feel lonely.

Everything is different now. It feels like a part of me is gone. 

No one is snoring loudly in the hallway...
No one is growling in the night when someone is walking too close to our door. 

No one is growling and whining at the mailman... 

No one is standing by the door happily waiting for me when I get home. 

And there's no pitter patter on the floors from her claws... 

Man, it's empty and sad around here now. 

Did you know that she smiled? She was a smiling dog. And you knew that it was a smile when you saw it...   I should've hugged her more. I should've.

I don't care that she shit herself, I don't care about her constant farting or all the fur everywhere... None of that matters. 

I'd clean up shit for the rest of my life if it meant more time with her. I'd walk with my clothes covered in doghair if I could just have her here again. 

But she was embarrassed of shitting inside. I know she was...poor baby. 

Frost took this really hard as well. 

Haven't seen him shed tears like this before. He's still sad. Just like me... But he's been so supportive and warm. I needed that. He's just been comforting me everyday now. 

And Freya... She's having a hard time coping with this. It's hard for her to understand. She asks everyday where lei lei has gone. Why did lei lei leave... And she looks for her everywhere. Of course it's strange for a child that's been with a dog since the day she was born, and suddenly that dog is gone. Nowhere to be found. It's like loosing a sibling in her case. 

It's hard for her to understand. And it makes me sad everytime she says 'lei lei gone'. 

I still haven't cleaned away her bowls and her rug. It's still there... Fur and all. 

And I miss her. Really really much. God fucking damn it I miss her... 

But I was surprised over how many people who gave their condolences. I had forgotten just how many people lei lei actually met. My old coworkers called, old friends and acquaintances, relatives and people I barely know. I thought it was sweet... Many people cried over her. And that warmed my heart a little too. 

I suppose I knew this day would come eventually. She was sick for 7 years. It was inevitable... 

But I just wanted her to be happy and healthy. In the end she was so sick that it was hard for them to even put her down. She was so sick. And it hurts to think about it. 

I miss my doodle... She was mine. And she supported me through everything and loved me unconditionally. No matter how bitchy, moody or boring I was. She loved me. 

And I love her unconditionally too. 

Before it was time, my sister took beautiful photos of her. She looked so pretty and happy. Unknowing of what awaited. 

But I knew. 

And I cried... I cried and couldn't stop. 

I raised that doodle. Since she was a fat puppy. I raised her...we kinda grew up together. 

Shit, that day is the worst day I've ever had. I've never cried this much before. Nor have I ever missed anyone this much either. 

She laid in my lap... Breathing slower and slower. I was fiddling with her fluffy fudge colored ear... I always loved her fuzzy little ears. Just writing this makes me tear up. 

God, how much I love that furball....

Once het heart stopped it was so fucking hard to keep the tears in. Walking out of the clinic with an empty leash. 

People walking their dogs outside knew.. One look and they knew. And their eyes were full of pity. They know what it's like. 

The man I bought lei lei from paid for it all. He helped me put and said that I fought for lei lei for so long that it was the least he could do. It was nice of him to go with me. 

But I don't think he quite understood how heartbreaking it was. I tried so hard not to show it though...but he probably noticed that I wasn't breathing. That I wasn't looking at him. My glasses hid the most of it... 

It felt like I wasn't able to say good bye properly. Cause I wasn't mentally prepared. It all happened to fast really. It was too soon. I feel like we didn't get enough time together. I didn't get time to prepare. I should've said no. I should've waited... I should've waited. I am so sad. 

So I'm saying it now sweetie. 

Good bye baby. I miss you so much. I wish you could've recovered and stayed with me... God, how I wished for that. I love you. I honestly love you so incredibly much. And I hope you knew that. That's what makes me the saddest... Did you know how loved you were? Did you know how much you meant? I hope you did. I hope you could feel it. I hope you felt me when you died in my arms. 

I have so many regrets. But I don't regret spending all my money on you. I'll never regret that. But I do regret that I didn't have enough money to give you the absolute best in the end... I keep wondering if things would've been different if I was really rich.

Maybe it wouldn't have mattered.... You can't buy time I suppose. 

I hope you're finally at peace. 

You had the purest heart of them all. No one could compare to you Lei lei....and no one ever will. 

You were so wonderful and so loved. We all miss you. I miss you. 

Forever and always. 

I'm crying while writing this. I can't help it. It's like rubbing salt in an open wound. 

Maybe I shouldn't have written this just yet. 

She died on July 26th. She would've been 8 years old in October. 

Jag vet inte riktigt vad mer jag kan skriva... Det gör fortfarande ont. Slutar man någonsin sakna någon? Jag gråter fan aldrig... Men nu kan jag inte sluta. 

Jag är otroligt tacksam för mina fina vänner som stöttat mig genom allt. Respekterat att jag velat va ifred och funnits där när man äntligen pallar gå ut. 

Vem hade trott att jag skulle bli så här förkrossad...

Tack