Tuesdays again

I knooooow, I rarely blog these days. 

But it's cause I do other things I suppose. 

Prepare yourself cause this will be a VERY long post. 

I know I write and talk a ton whenever I get a weird reaction to my meds. So bear with me.

(don't worry, I'm not high. You can't get high on these neuro...thingy.. pills)

Sooooooo (drumroll)  I also had my first meeting with my psychologist last week. Waah! Cool huh? I never thought that I'd ever go talk to a shrink. But it's part of my EDS treatment too. I had to agree to it alongside of seeing a whole lot of other doctors too. She was one of the 7 people I have to see about my treatment. The whole point is to learn how to manage my pain, cause they worry that too much pain can make a person suicidal. (and I totally see why too) but it's also to keep my mentality at an even level or something? So she said the goal is to have a calm mind and just learning how to handle it mentally when I'm hurting physically. So dealing with the past is one of the steps of getting a calm inner self and shit...Sounded smarter when Marty said it  

Anyway, it was a well over 2 hour meeting. And it was pretty good. (I was fucking exhausted afterwards) She found a lot of stuff that I had locked away. Things I knew about, but hadn't put a name on. And after some time she said that I had a "rough" childhood, which I don't really agrre on... Me and my sister are like day and night. We also don't have the same childhood. She experienced one thing, and I another. She doesn't remember things that I remember and vice versa. According to the psychologist that's completely normal though. We just have different views. Plus I always felt that my dad loved her but not me. (it sounds lame and she doesn't see it that way but try telling a child how to feel)

Miss Shrink was very fascinated with my "way of thinking."  A unique mind so to speak. -_-  At first I don't really like the sound of that. (but I'm getting to that soon)

And how I kept my way of thinking from when I was a child to now. I still have my beliefs morals and my standards. She called it "abstract thinking". (I know, it doesn't sound good right?) She asked me about how my school years were, so I was honest and said that I became the outcast pretty fucking quick lol She obviously asked why. Liiiike they always do ahaha 😆

I told her that they always called me eerie, strange..(weirdo), and that they said my opinions (and I quote) weren't normal, and I was fucking weird too. lol  I didn't look like they did either, cause I refused to dress like they did. I'd rather die than wear those white see through pants with black thongs underneath it. God damn it that was awful..Fashion changed fast back then, and those girls always tried sooo hard to keep up with it. I always thought they were lame AF. (I had Onka though, my only friend. And we stuck together like glue haha)

I wore my torn jeans, my leather jacket that mom used to wear in the 70's, and I proudly liked my music, and I just refused to change. (now that's actually one part of me that I can say I'm proud of. It's not the easiest thing to find things you like about yourself and so on right?..) 

Back then big eyebrows was considered ugly...lmao funny huh? So obviously mine were hideous in their eyes 😁 And I refused to shave mine ahaha Those bitches actually shaved their eyebrows ahahaha. SHAVED THEM! lolololol

Mom said that I was unique and that she liked that I dressed however I wanted to dress, not how everyone else did, so I had that going for me. 💛

And you know, that mattered a lot. Having a mom who supported you I mean, I told the shrink that mom would even call the school sometimes, and let me stay home so I didn't have to go to field trips and and all that lame shit with the school. -_- Ugh... Thank god for that. I hated my class, so just imagine spending 48 hours on a filed trip with those cunts. Abominable.

But I think I know the exact moment I became an outcast though.👈 

We were thirteen, and all of the girls were changing in the locker room. And one of the "cool girls"  were talking about her boyfriend and how he was so nice to her, and he was sweet when they had sex and stuff.... He was 2fucking3 years old. 23. 😨  Motherfucking eeeew... I kinda saw it as pedophilia.  (but apparently other girls my age didn't see it that way)

Aaaaaall the girls were fawning over him saying that he was so cool and how romantic it was blah blah blaaaah... And I said 'Don't you think it's weird that he's with a kid and not with someone his own age?' while I got dressed.

And before I noticed their looks I kinda chuckled a little and said to myself with a semi low voice 'Ah... maybe it's cause a grown woman can think on her own lolololol' and I thought I was so funny too, cause I made a joke to myself h😆

And when I turned around, the hatred and disgust in their eyes was soooo fucking intense lol maaaan, if looks could kill.

Yeah, that's the moment I became the school's biggest outcast. 

Yeah then we went through school life, work life, adult life and so on and so on...so much talking...Private stuff, but she also pointed out that I learnt at an early age to shut down my emotions. Like an on/off button. According to her it made life easier for me. 

 She asked me more about certain subjects, and if it was easy for me to learn languages. So I said yeeeeeees, since I can learn a language completely almost in 3 months. IF I'm motivated. (which I rarely am) And then she asked me about friends. If I'm capable of talking about my EDS, and if I get support and so on. So we talked about my precious fucksticks lol jk jk. Well we came to the conclusion that I'm very lucky 💜 (but I already knew that though haha)

And then she asked me if I've considered studying and junk, maybe learning new languages too, she asked about my art and she brought up my "unique mind" again. (ok....so in my head, "unique mind" doesn't necessarily mean something good. It can actually be a bad thing too right?) So I sat there and just listened to her. 

And then she said:

 "Have you ever been told that you might have quite a high IQ? 
Because you show signs and traits of having a very high IQ." 

And that was so not what I expected her to say hahahaha And immediately I remembered how I was called an idiot back in the day because I did things differently or thought differently etc. 

How dad would call me an dumbass 😒 So much love right there yeah.

 "Why no. No I haven't. That has never crossed my mind before, nor anybody else's. Cause I'm terrible at math". lol  She told me that math has nothing to do with it, and that she would like it if I looked into it. I did not see that meeting taking this kind of turn.
And I agreed on looking further into that next time. 

Now I didn't tell her this, but me and friend are going to study together till spring :D (plan is to go to university together, a certain program that we really wanna go to) And Marty will help me with math till then. Also, I got an earful when I told Marty about what the shrink told me about the IQ -_- "Idiot, I knew that. How could you not have noticed that you have an extremely high IQ?! I noticed it years ago already." lmao well I'm sorry, your'e truly a great mastermind for noticing this years ago you genius turd -_-(Ah Marty actually is a genius btw) Well, let's see what spring has in store for us. It's a few months left so to speak so we do have time to study and have fun :D

My new meds are making me sooo sleepy. Nonstop. Amitrypline makes me feel like a zombie.

Good grief............ I wrote a fucking novel. 

Well, they do their job though. I don't cramp as much at night. But my body hasn't really gotten used to them yet. So I feel like a walking corpse....all that's missing is the drool lmao

Well it's alright. Who cares that I wrote a ton. You don't have to read it do you? 

Plus, I did find the things she said to be interesting.

There is however oooone thing that I'm having mixed feelings about.

Me having "a very high IQ". I mean woooooh that's awesome of course... Sure.... BUT, what good would that do me? A 31 year old mom. It's a little late don't think?

Ah, I still wanna study the things I'm interested in obviously :)

But I wish someone would've told me in my teens that I had high IQ instead. Maybe things would've been different then.Maybe I would've done more.

Instead I let a teacher ruin everything. He literally ruined my school life completely. He was the reason I stopped doing things. He's the reason I stopped asking if I didn't understand something, Olle that fucker, made me not try anymore. I kinda just gave up and figured that why try if I'm too stupid anyway? If he hadn't done what he did... then things would've definitely been different.

So if I had been told that I had in fact high IQ, then I probably would've believed in myself a little more and questioned that asshole.

Yeah, maybe the 14 year old me would've been even more awesome then ;) haha

But oh well, useless thoughts for the past.