Saturday, July 23, 2016

The ugly truth

So here's the deal. I'm gonna be completely honest in this post...
Here's my ugly truth.

Today is one of the worst days of my life.

I am insanely dopesick. I have nasty opiate withdrawals.
I'm sweating like a god damn pig....the pain is excruciating. It's so hot. I'm twitchy and restless. Soooo tired. My tummy is NOT friendly. Hostile tummy. HOSTILE AS FUCK.
I can barely move.

I haven't had opiates in a few days or so... Imagine a dude doing heroin for years, and then just quitting instantly... that's what I'm going through.

All this cause I'm afraid of being honest with the doctors.
I talked yesterday with a nurse about updating my medicine prescription.
She sounded so rude, made me feel embarrassed for needing painkillers.
'if it says that you should take 2, you can't take 3!!'  She made me feel so stupid and worthless. And I had to lie even cause she made me feel so ashamed and worthless... why do I have to feel shame because I have a difficult disease?! Why do I have to feel 
like I'm worth less than anyone else because of my disease?

The medical care in Sweden needs to learn more about EDS. They do. Cause I have yet to meat a doctor or nurse that actually know about it. The neurologist knew. But not much. Yet, my dentist knew, when I went there.I  panicked cause I'm honestly afraid of dentists... but he told me, oh you have EDS? Well then we might have to upper the dose like 4 or 5 more times than usual. You don't react to sedatives or painkillers like usual people do right? I can't even begin to explain how good that felt to hear. 

But this nurse I talked to... I can't drop this. I'm very upset...and very sick. And angry.
Now cunt, I would want you to feel what I feel. I would like you to know what it's like when your body don't want to move.
Bitch, I'd love to see you get up in the morning with excruciating pain in the body, and go to work for 26 god damn hours. WITHOUT PAINKILLERS.

So when I have bad weeks, I sometimes need to double the dose...heck, one day I even had to triple it just to manage to FUCKING WALK ⬅ 
Yeah I was high as a fucking kite, but I managed to do my job. And be a good wife and a good mother. All because I could handle the pain. All because I took my medication.

My point is, everyday is different. Sometimes I need it, sometimes I don't. But no one would understand the pain I'm going though. And this is the first time I'm dopesick. O__o

So here. This is what a person looks like when they're about to give up.
This is what it looks like when you're having withdrawals. I am broken and in hurting. I'm ashamed as fuck too.

But, I did learn something.
I, Mama Jo... am not addicted to opiates. (this is a huge deal)  My mind is clear. But my body needs it. It's a weird conflicted feeling. But it's amazing that I'm not addicted. I can actually handle the withdrawals and pain... this might sound like I'm bragging or being too proud, but I don't think getting "clean" one day will be that hard. I know now that I can handle the withdrawals. As long as Frost is beside me. 

See, one day, I want to have another child. I am prepared for the withdrawals that'll come. I will NEVER eat anything while pregnant or trying to get pregnant.

I did the same when I tried to get pregnant with Freya. I ate nothing for my pain during that time. We just had lost and lost of sex (with in my case, actually helped with the pain lol)

And once I found out I was pregnant, I quit smoking. Completely. And that was a huge deal. I was a heavy smoker. Like at least one pack a day. But for my child, I can do anything.

And when Frost and I decide to have another child, I will do the same. I will do anything for my family. I can handle everything.
I'm so damn lucky to have my man. Frost goes to insane lengths to make me feel ok. He hates it when I'm suffering. He takes such good care if Freya when I'm incapable of it.
It's funny what instincts can do to you when you think your child is in danger.
I was laying in bed, and I literally couldn't move my body.  Frost sat beside me and comforted me. I wasn't sad or anything....just being dopesick. And he calls out Freya's name. And she doesn't come not does she respond. He started looking through the entire apartment and couldn't find her. I heard him panic and BAM I flew out if my bed in a split of a second and ran out to find her. (no pain or locked joints) First thing I notice was that the door was locked. Which meant that she had to be in here. Frost never looked at the of course he panicked. :P
And calmly said 'check behind the couch'.

And he said 'Freyster?' and PLUPP. She popped her head out from behind the sofa. Where she's not allowed to be. But we just couldn't get mad at her. It's been a rough day for her too. She's noticed that mommy's sick. She's tried to comfort me and snuggled me and and reached out her hand to help me up. My daughter has such a kind and sweet soul.  I know in my heart that she'll grow up to be a wonderful person.

So, I've managed to see the beauty in my life, during this withdrawal. Despite all this shit. My life is beautiful.

I'm actually forcing myself to go out and play with Freya. Freya is going to have an awesome time. I don't want her to suffer just cause mommy's has a shitty day (weekend)  My pain was so extreme that I had to call in sick from work yesterday and today. That sucks donkey dick. 

I know how hard it is to find people to work there. :(

And I wanna apologize to all of my friends and family too. I haven't responded to all the texts and calls. Sorry.
I've just felt ashamed and shitty.

That nurse... made me feel so... I don't know, I can't find the word for it. But she talked down to me so much. I felt insulted. She couldn't understand that when I have bad days or weeks even, I need even more painkillers than usual. And I told her this and I also said that some days I don't even need anything. Anything below a 5 on the painscale is great. I can handle that perfectly without opiates tbh.  And yet, she sounded so condescending. Like she didn't even wanna understand me.

So, now I'm going to go hug and kiss my man. And smooch my daughter like crazy. And go out to the park. 
I can do this.

For my family, I can do anything <3

I'm trying so hard to be positive. 
I love you Frost. And Freyster, your'e my starshine. I'd die for you.
So I can do this.

I just gotta go shit myself a little first...


  1. I will always will be beside you and try to take care of you. |

    I love you <3

  2. I'm here if you need me ❤

  3. This upsets me. It's upsetting to know you are going through so much shit because of ignorance by the people WHO ARE MEANT TO HELP YOU! Can't you get a social worker or someone to support you when you go to these meetings? Someone who knows the the medical system inside out? If you were in the uk you would be on a benefit called personal indepdent payment and still be allowed to work as much as you want I garentee it. Really hard for me to tell you what you should do because I have no idea about Swedish medical system. All I can say is hang in there and continue to be strong. Frost will be there for you, your family and friends. Just bitch as much as you need to.... Have you ever thought about practising meditation? It can relax the body and mind. Maybe look into meditation for yourself? It's important to be kind to our selfs, play your favourite game? Watch your favourite show, have a nice bath, speak to loved ones... really sorry to hear you're going through this. But you do have your support. Good luck pal.

    1. Ya know, moving to the UK would fix half our problems.
      We all speak English fluently. And even though the NHS is a bit of a dumpster fire, you can still buy basic things over the counter (Such as codeine) things that are considered hard and serious drugs here.
      I can tell you first hand that this health care system is completely broken. I've been on a waiting list for 2 years just for a shrink and benzos. At least in the U.S. you can get a doc that same day.

      Anyways, one day I shall convince her that the UK is the answer lol. Give me time :)

    2. Don't get me wrong Frost, NHS is NOT perfect. I'm not even allowed to register at my local doctors because it is so full, I have to get a bus for my medicine which takes half an hour to a different doctors... I was on the waiting list to see a shrink for about a year and DBT is one year also, but I got lucky a space became available.

      All I'm saying is, if you three were to move to Scotland or England Joanna would be entitled to a benefit called personal indepdent payment. They judge you on not what illness's you do have but how it effects your day to day life and can be up to £800 (8000kr) a month. And she would still be able to work, and get free medicine, and get support groups, in fact I think I saw the eds support centre located in London and Sheffield.

      It's a shame, she is needing support by doctors and isn't getting it. Thank goodness for you and Freya and her family. I don't know how she hasn't cracked complely.

      Strong minded.

  4. You know that you can always reach me whenever you need to, right? I'm always here for you~
    I'm sorry for what you're going through, my dear <3


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