Saturday, February 20, 2016

Life as it is

Yeah... Today didn't really start that great.
It was rough. Really rough. My painkillers aren't working.

I woke up and noticed that my neck is "wrong" and that I can't bend down or move well at all basically. It just pushed me over the edge and I had tears in my eyes when I left for work.

My bag is really heavy, It's hard on me.

When I was almost at the bus stop (with 7 minutes left till the bus was gonna arrive) I noticed that I forgot that most important thing for my dinner, without it I can't really eat the food I brought... And that shit just pushed me further of the edge that I was already dangling from... So I screamed BAAAAALLS really loud and angrily with tears in my eyes and people turned around and looked terrified. And that made me even more upset so I yelled "MotherfuckingfuckshitpissFUUUUC!!!" and kept trotting toward that stupid fucking bus stop. Only to find out that it's fucking late. Which made me sniffle again. Which made me curse even more. And I was late for my fucking job.

But once i got here, I calmed down. A if anyone understand how it feels to not wanna live inside your own body anymore. I hate my body. It's so useless. What's the point of building muscles faster than normal people, if I can't even regulate or handle my own strength?! Why am I this strong if I can't use it? Why be anything if all I do is feel pain...?

Welp, I'm finally sitting down with a cup of coffee. I doubled my medicine even though I'm absolute not supposed to do it. I feel better. I calmed my mind. And I keep telling myself that I can do this. All I have to do is make it through the day, and monday and tuesday too... and then I have 6 days off. I can do this. I can do this. I always do this.

Freya's been staying with her granny and granpa these past two nights. I picked her up yesterday after work so we could spend some time together and then dropped her off again in the late afternoon. Frost has got one hell of a bad flu. It's an awful kind, mom's neighbor got it too. It seems so painful... it make me sad to see the one I love in such a state. But mom and Lasse has been helping him with Freya cause I can't be there when I have 26 hours shifts. :/ You try to find a replacement in the last minute for a 26 hours shift. It's next to impossible.

I had hoped he'd be much better today but he doesn't seem too well... I'm just wishing that Freya doesn't catch this. This kind of pain in a little snugglemonsters body is top extreme. Gosh, No. Nope. She can't catch this flu. Nope.

SHe was so cute yesterday when I had coffee at mom's place. She was doodling on a magazine and she was soooo excited cause she got to use an ink pen (which later resulted in some not so cool face tattoos..but still. haha) she was so happy and adorable :)

Sometimes, I realize that the only thing that motivates me in life is Freya & Frost. They're the only reason I make it through. Cause honestly, who the fuck would wanna live like this really...?

But let's stay positive. I am not alone. And I finally found a group online for people with EDS, I'll went and ask about what meds works best on them.

I'll be fine.

See that?
See how beautiful my daughter is? She's amazing, in every way. Even the way she can be annoying sometimes is amazing. But most of all, she's absolutely perfect and sweet <3

Who wouldn't keep going  when you can come home this this? :)

Ah, last night me and beeb caught up on some shows. We watched the latest episode of Supernatural and The Blacklist. We snuggled and wen't to bed kinda early, we also watched the first episode of "Love" on netflix. Seems like a fun show haha Though I felt like such a horrible person cause I just couldn't stop staring at the dude's nose. It's just so... out there.

I mean, look at it. This picture actually makes it looks smaller though lol Anyway... it's time to do some other shit.

I miss Frost. I wish I could be at home with him. He even offered to come to work even though he's sick and bring me my lchf tortillas haha Silly puff. He should stay in bed. Mom already offered to come <3

see, thing's turn out ok.

1 comment:

  1. Oh gee... I feel so bad for you :c I wish I could somehow make it better. <3
    If you ever need someone to vent to you know where to find me! I'm always here for yaaaaa <33333

    much looooveeeee


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