Monday, March 21, 2016

a very tiny part of a big life

It's been one of those shitty mornings...
Got a rough start, but it slowly get's better.
But this is how a day can be.

I'd say I live a big life. I mean, It's not small. It's not insignificant. And it's not a lonely life.
I know I'd be mourned if I died. I know someone would cry themselves to sleep if I did.
I also know that I have a man that's very different from other men. He's sensitive, sweet, caring and he thinks a lot (A looot) and he tries oh so hard to be understanding. There are very few men that tries so hard like mine does. He tries so hard everyday for me. He tries to be stronger than me when I'm having a bad day. He tries to make me smile when I'm sad. And at the same time he works hard as a father, playing and teaching her stuff.

And then there's this huge light in my life, called Freya. The light that came out of me. (I sound like the universe lol ....Or a nuclear disaster)
She's so young. Too young to understand why mommy is crying in the bed when dad's in the shower. Too innocent to understand why mom acts like this when no one can see her. She's sad when I'm away, and she get's happy when I come back. Frost is the same. He's like a little child when I come home from work haha They're standing there both so happy and excited in the doorway. It's the best welcome home salute ever.

So I'd say that my life is anything but insignificant. (I don't think anyone's life is insignificant though.) I may have my moments where I feel down and like I'm a nobody. But I make a difference one way or another.
There was this really good speech on Daredevil last night (season 2, yes.. me be nerd) about cause and effect. Everyone's actions have some kind of a consequence. Good or bad or small or big. Everyone interact with someone in some way. So every life has an effect. It matters.

But in my big life... that is filled with people. People that I love. People that I dislike. Even when it's filled with so much love and understanding... there are these moment's that destroys everything.

When I wake up and it feels like someone broke all my ribs on the right side.
When I can't move at all... and I try so hard to keep it in. I can't show them how weak I am. Gotta pretend like I'm all good, like I don't need painkillers all the time.

I realized this morning while Frost was in the shower that when things are really bad,
The worst thing isn't the pain. You can live with pain even if it drives you crazy. 
What's worse is when it takes away my fighting spirit. And without my fighting spirit, what am I?

It's lonely at times, when I'm in this strange killing pain...
Cause no one understands me. Despite them trying so hard. They will never understand what an effort it takes just to stand up from the sofa some days. Or getting up out of bed some days. And it's not the pain that's hindering me... half the time it's my own spirit.

But then I see Freya running around the bed going 'Mama mama mama mama!' giggling and shouting, and I hear Frost say 'Let mama rest a bit. We love you Mama'... and I remember again why I go through that stupid annoying pain. Duh. Of course I'll fight through. Cause my life is pretty fucking awesome despite the pain :)

I have to keep reminding me. And that's what my life's about these days. Reminders. I gotta remind myself why I should keep fighting and trying so god damn hard. Cause when your'e stuck in that void, where everything hurts, and your'e focusing so hard on your joints, and how to move properly... everything get's kinda blurry. Until they step closer and you see their faces. And those moments are precious as fuck. They motivate me. My family is my motivation. But I'd also like to think that I was strong to begin with...haha

Here's something you don't know, I space out a lot. Sometime's it's cause I'm high on whatever I just took, Sometime's it's cause I simply just tend to drift away in thoughts, but most of the time... it's cause I focus SO hard on functioning. I always have to think about how I move, how I walk. How I put down the right foot, then the left. Keep the body up, keep it tight, hold my breath and get tense and then keep going. 

I live a very peaceful life. Definitely not quiet. (have you met Freya??) But it's peaceful and sweet.
I hear how the man I love is going through laundry, mumbling things to himself while folding his shirts and Freya's pyjamas. And here I am, thinking how lucky I really am despite this shitty ass body. It is a shitty fucking body. But it's the body that gave birth to Freya and Frost's Wifey. They love it. So I guess I should try to love it a little more too huh?

So there ya have it. This is my pep speech to myself.
I need a pep speech, if I don't push myself and stay positive and have motivation, I'll go down in a very dark hole. So far I've always managed to get out of that hole pretty quick. I rarely stay down and sad for long. But I'm worried that if I don't keep the fire burning, It'll go dark... and what if it stays dark?

Is it weird to think like this?

To me, mind over matter is a big deal. I manage to do a lot of things just cause I tell myself that I can do it.

1 comment:

  1. Your family is very beautiful and you deserve all the love and joy you can get. I get so happy and giddy whenever I see posts about you and Freya and Frost. You're such a wonderful family and I'm so happy that it's yours <3

    I'm not sure entirely how to continue this comment, because like you said "no one really understands my pain even if they try really hard", which I do... try that is. All I can really say I suppose is that you're still my favorite fighter <3


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